On the Utility of Minneapolis-St. Paul as a Base of Operations for Various Well-Known Superheroes
or Super Teams.
- - - -
Spider-Man: Poor. The lack of a single, concentrated downtown area would
greatly hinder Spider-Man's preferred method of transportation. Given that
there's not much higher than three stories after you get out of the two
downtowns, swinging from building to building isn't going to work. It's not
difficult to imagine Spider-Man standing on Nicollet Mall in downtown
Minneapolis, hearing that thugs have taken over the Xcel Center over in St.
Paul, and cursing under his breath as he runs to I-94, forced to affix a web
to the top of a bus and ride it across town.
The X-Men: So-so. Their initial problem would be that no one around here
seems to have much of a problem with mutants. With no one trying to wipe
them out, the X-Men would lose some of their edge. They would run the risk
of turning into hypersensitive college kids who go around looking for the
slightest excuse to be outraged.
They'd have more of a reason to stick around, though, after the
inevitable burst of mutant jokes on the local classic-rock morning show.
Those guys can be very cruel.
Batman: Also so-so. No real deal-breakers to Batman setting up shop here,
but lots of annoying obstacles: lack of dramatic places to stand and brood
over the cityscape; difficulty of driving the Batmobile at high speeds
through some of the St. Paul street vortices (watch the ice on the road!);
necessity of getting cozy with two police chiefs instead of one
commissioner; and lack of a paralyzing, all-pervading criminal culture
(although he'd be welcome to come to my neighborhood, starting with the
three middle-aged fat guys who think riding little putt-putt scooters three
abreast at 20 mph down Minnehaha Parkway is AWESOME).
Superman: No problem.
The Incredible Hulk: No problem. Hulk's in the Superman club. When your main
thing is smashing things, location is less of a factor. Hulk could smash
very effectively in Falcon Heights, for example.
Wonder Woman: Poor. People around here just wouldn't cotton to a woman
dressed like that, especially one carrying a magic lasso. Well, some folks
would like that quite a bit, but some would make a stink about it.
Aquaman: Most people seem to like him, but Garrison doesn't, so it's a
no-go.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
On the Utility of Minneapolis-St. Paul as a Base of Operations for Various Well-Known Superheroes or Super Teams By Keith Pille
Notes From a Neighborhood War By John Warner
Mother-Daughter Talks That Didn't Quite Come Off By Judson Merrill
Why Is My Baby Crying? By Eric Silver
More War, More Rich, More Poor—More Hell on Earth: Reasons to Re-elect George W. Bush (Part 2)
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