An Excerpt From
Chris Bachelder's Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography.
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Nearly 45,000 readers have downloaded
McSweeney's first career-development e-book,
Chris Bachelder's Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography.
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LESSON 18
THE AWFUL PARADOX OF THE TRIPOD
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Pay attention now, this is difficult material.
Do not be fooled, friend, your fancy digital camera is not your most important piece of equipment. Hell, millions of 9-year-olds pluck high-end digital cameras out of their stockings every Christmas. The camera does not make you special, it does not make you an expert or an authority. You take a clever white guy with a three-day beard and sandals and sweat stains in the armpits and you give him a digital camera, what you have now is a slob with a digital camera and nothing more. Chemically speaking, there has been no reaction. No new thing has been created. The camera is a neat toy and it, of course, creates the magic of the virtual tour, but ultimately, the camera is not personally transformational.
No, friend, it is the tripod that sets you apart. It is the tripod. You take our hypothetical clever slob with the armpit stains and you give him a $500 tripod to clutch nonchalantly as he strides across a parking lot toward a rental office, what you have now is a photographer, a professional worthy of respect and deference. Amateurs do not carry tripods now do they.
Sitting on the floor of the Estranged Girlfriend's dilapidated apartment, remove the tripod from its mailing box. Do not be alarmed if it seems to glow, if it seems to hum. Go ahead, touch it. Stroke its elegant legs. Be gentle. You want to create a lasting bond. Unscrew the three deals on the tripod's joints and extend the legs. That's it. Jesus, just listen to those legs whistle as they telescope out, it's a hollow whistle followed by a hollow lock, final and professional. A cool hollow metallic lock in Texas summer. Tighten the three deals. Practice this loosening, sliding, and tightening. Note: The virtual-tour photographer should understand that almost all of his authority and confidence in the field will rest upon the three sturdy legs of this tripod. He should understand that when he extends the tripod, he will command respect and attention from those around him. Heads will turn. The sun (or the clubhouse track lighting) will dazzle the burnished steel and lend a certain aura to the man who carries it, the sweaty gringo in the champagne sedan who is 42 minutes late for his appointment. (Note: You.)
Know that people will respond differently to you when you carry the tripod. To be a successful virtual-tour photographer, you must brandish the tripod. You must lead with it and exploit its powers. Weary or weak-minded Property Managers may fall under its powerful spell—they may raise their dainty hands, they may say, as if from a trance, "Hey, you're the expert." At times, friend, you will not be sure if you serve the tripod or if it serves you. You should have the nagging sense that the force and properties of the tripod are beyond your mortal ken. This is fine. It's just fine.
Oh but warning, young wizard: There is a dark power in the tripod. Like the magical items in myths and fairy tales, the tripod can harm its user just as it guides and protects him. The problem is, the tripod will never really quite convince you, friend, that you are a professional, an expert, a man to be taken seriously. Others will be convinced, but not you, because you know what others do not—that the job ad said No phot. exp. nec.; that you make $35 per property with no mileage allowance and no health insurance; that most of your photographs in your pre-photography career included only about half of someone's smiling face and usually about half of your fat finger; that the Estranged Girlfriend's period will not come when it's supposed to come; that there is no glamour, no magic, and no art in your work; that your best friend is a Grizzled Neighbor with a pee bag; that, above all, you are in fact an amateur, an actor with props, an imposter, a fake photographer.
Are you still reading? Don't skim or skip. The fact is, there comes to be a terrible gulf between the way others see you and the way you see yourself, and isn't there already too much distance between you and everything else, between you and your skin? Note: Just too much. And so the awful paradox of the tripod is that the more you use it to create the perception of professional and personal legitimacy, the worse you actually feel about yourself.
Helpful Hint: You can polish the tripod with a damp rag or paper towel.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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An Excerpt From Chris Bachelder's Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography
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