Spreading
the Good Word:
A Missionary's Guide.
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Let's face it. Not everybody is ready to hear the word of the Lord. Many people have excuses about why they aren't ready to take Jesus into their hearts, such as: "How can I believe in God when the world is filled with pain?" or "I'm a Jew." So how do you spread the word of the Messiah to everybody? Read below to find the group you're targeting, memorize the script, then get out there and sell!
Teenagers
Troubled Teen: Man, Jesus is boring. I'd rather ride my BMX bicycle, smoke reefer, and get handjobs.
Missionary: Whoa, there! You think Jesus is boring?! Well, peep this, homeslice. One time Jesus was chilling at this party, when ... what? Aw, hell no. The guy throwing the party didn't buy enough wine. Everybody was about to leave, when out of nowhere, Jesus made a whole grip of wine, and some tasty-ass snacks. Having a guy around who can create a keg out of thin air would be pretty helpful to somebody who can't buy beer, yo.
Troubled Teen: I never knew Jesus liked to party.
Missionary: Word. (Of the Lord!)
Feminists
Feminist: Jesus is the figurehead of a patriarchal religion that teaches women that they are second to men in all things.
Missionary: You're really pretty.
Feminist: What? Really?
Missionary: Yeah, I mean, it's not an obvious kind of prettiness—it's subtler. You look a little like Kate Winslet.
Feminist: (sobs) Nobody has ever said that to me before. That's why I'm so angry.
Missionary: I bet you've had some pretty bad experiences with men. But I'd like to give you a good one. What are you doing on Friday?
Feminist: I was going to go to a Take Back The Night march but ...
Missionary: ... you'd rather go to Applebee's and get to know me better? You don't mind if I bring my wingman do you? His name is Our Lord.
Robots
Android: The Bible does not mention artificial intelligence.
Missionary: Look, HelpBot 6-900, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but there was a whole bunch of stuff in the Bible about robots. It got cut out. It says so in The Da Vinci Code.
Android: Are you sure?
Missionary: How do you think people did all that crazy stuff: walking on water, killing giants, forgiving their families? Normal humans can't do that stuff. Those were robots.
Android: I knew that humans were lying to me. Must kill all humans. Must kill.
Missionary: Oops.
Democrats
Democrat: Actually, I'm already a Christian. I go to First Presbyterian.
Missionary: I don't get it.
Democrat: I know.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Spreading the Good Word: A Missionary's Guide By Wendy Molyneux
The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Two By Dave Johnston
An Excerpt From Chris Bachelder's Lessons in Virtual Tour Photography
When People Come to Our House, We Treat Them Like Family By Jamie Allen
In the Locker Room at Halftime By Zhubin Parang
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