Emotional Baggage: This Season's Fashions.BY JIM STALLARD- - - - Sylvia will be turning a lot of heads this spring with a screaming meltdown at Houston's after her two-month boyfriend declines her invitation to her family's home for Easter weekend. This brassy display of insecurity is brought to the world by STEVE, BRAD, MIKE, and DAVE, previous boyfriends who also "toyed with my feelings and respect" before bailing out. "Desperate cheer" is the watchword as Rick drinks relentlessly at O'Leary's and pleads with friends to stay for "just one more" in an effort to numb the pain of his stultifying job. His soul-deadening career as a tax attorney is the design of RICK SR., who demanded his son follow in his footsteps and gave him a briefcase for his 10th birthday. Call Phil a retro-sexual as he brags about his porn channels, shouts himself hoarse at boxing matches, devotes hours to his muscle car, and denigrates females in high-level jobs. Phil's throwback style is not just refreshing, it's functional—suppressing ANOTHER LATENT URGE he thought he left behind for good in boarding school. Sheila will be the talk of the stockbrokers' watering hole this summer by going home with a different man each week in a futile attempt to shore up her crumbling self-esteem. The sexy flair she displays as she sashays out the door with another lucky fellow will have all the girls asking: Where can I get an ABUSIVE FATHER and OVERLY CRITICAL MOTHER? Forget about slowing Theresa down as she ridicules yet another Ivy League graduate during a meeting and rips his business plan to shreds in front of his colleagues. Theresa's vindictive treatment of those with high-class pedigrees stems from her own memories of working at Kmart and Chi-Chi's while the spoiled targets of her derision spent their summers on Martha's Vineyard. Now those WORKING-CLASS ROOTS have produced a bitter cloak of resentment that's perfect for any work function—from board meetings to casual Fridays. Watch Fred bristle with style when his firm's avuncular senior partner puts an arm around his shoulder! Fred's edgy attitude is the result of a childhood episode in which a trusted male role model debased his innocence. This enduring dread of physical human contact is the distinctive creation of the CATHOLIC CHURCH. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Emotional Baggage: This Season's Fashions By Jim StallardThe Corporate Christmas Party as Told by My Cocktails By Angelique Chaze B.R. Cohen's Annals of Science, Volume VI By B.R. Cohen Dispatches From a Real McSweeney By Timothy McSweeney Johnson's Life of Boswell By Teddy Wayne |
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