F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
CREEPY CLOWN
UNDER THE BED'S
TELEPATHIC MESSAGE
TO CHILD IN BED,
AGE FIVE AND
A HALF.
- - - -
They say there's nothing to be afraid of. Of course, that's what they're going to say. But what if they're on my side,
did you think about that? They might look like you, like other people do, but when you go off on the bus in the morning,
we all sit around and talk about how you don't like us, how you don't LIKE clowns.
Oh, you DO like clowns? Oh, but I don't think you do. You didn't laugh like the other kids at the party last weekend. Or at
the car wash when I tried to give you that balloon. I tried to be nice then. The other kids like clowns. Yes, that's right, because
they're clowns too. And when you're not looking, they take off their kid-face masks and then we all look ALIKE, because we ARE,
and as soon as you turn around again, they put their kid masks back on, really, really fast to fool you. Because you're the only
REAL person in the world! And maybe you already know more than we WANT you to know.
But I'm the leader of the clowns and I get to do whatever I want. Oh, you might think you know what that's going to be, but
you really don't know, and you'll never know until I DO it, because we LOVE surprises and we know how to do really BIG ones because
that's our JOB, and we have to get rid of the kids who don't like surprises, or else.
I don't need a reason. Because I'm ... what? What did I just hear you think? Did I just hear you think something mean about me?
I think I just heard the word "stupid." I think I did, didn't I? Of course I know when you're lying. And you know I know when you are.
Maybe I'll let that one go this time but ...
Oh yes, Trish the babysitter knows, of course she does. Auntie Jackie and Nana Shirl. They ALL know. What makes you think
they're telling YOU the truth? They won't let you watch the news and stuff because sometimes that's when I'm on the TV and I
give them my secret messages. Sure, they keep telling you to go to sleep. But are THEY sleeping? No! They're still up, you
can hear them, downstairs, yes, they're watching TV. Because I'm giving them a secret message right NOW on TV that only clown
people can understand.
Oh now are you sure? Are you sure you CHECKED just BEFORE you brushed your teeth, or was it AFTER? Because I COULD have crawled
underneath while you were brushing your teeth. I could have, yes, that's right. And I DID. That's why you're able to hear my thoughts,
because I'm so close. Why, I came out of the basement, when you were in the bathroom! Exactly! I came out from behind the furnace
where the Christmas decorations are. That's a perfect place for me to hide during the day, you're right! And I've been there all
day, waiting for you to brush your teeth. That's why they kept bugging you to do it, yes!
You can't stay awake forever. But it doesn't matter. You can lie awake all night long if you wish. It doesn't matter to me.
I've been behind the furnace all day, waiting to surprise you. And I'm not going anywhere until I've done my job. You know that,
don't you? So I can wait.
Oh yes, I can wait ...
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Creepy Clown Under the Bed's Telepathic Message to Child in Bed, Age Five and a Half By Melissa Bell
The Screenwriter's Vacation By Richie Chevat
The Talent Competition By Tim Carvell
Certain Things Have Come to My Attention By Sean Carman
Where Is My Golden Arm? By Karen Sneider
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