F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S
Confessions of a
New Coffee Drinker.
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This stuff is great! I'm 26! I always ignored it, thinking, "Why start a bad habit?" This is a terrific habit! I get more done in an hour than I used to get done in a week. Coffee! I bought a coffeemaker. It makes the coffee for me in the morning! I open my eyes and it's there! I can see! The difference between tea and coffee is like a merry-go-round to a rocket ship! I like rocket ships! Coffee! I want to go on a real rocket ship. Where are they? Cape Canaveral? Let's go! Coffee helps my creativity. I can come up with something creative out of nowhere. "Larry laughs like a lavicious lunatic!" See!? That was instantaneous! What does "lavicious" mean, you ask? I made it up. Doesn't matter! Coffee! I'm going to make it a real word! It means scathingly menacing. Use it! Hey, I should try improvisational theater! I'd probably be a riot on coffee. Yes and ... yes! Sign me up! Why didn't I drink this stuff in elementary school? I would have had straight A's. I could have taught the classes. Move over, Mr. Starchpants! Take a note: I'm going to teach a class! Wow! French vanilla! What's that like? Sounds delicious! Get me some. Cream and sugar? I don't need it. I ask girls to meet me for a cup of coffee. I talk the whole time! I used to be so shy! Sex! Yesterday, I called the bank to complain about fees! They gave me a refund! I can complain now. What's smoking like? Does it really relieve stress? I'm thinking about getting addicted to cigarettes! I'm going to buy the patch and work my way up! Now I see why all these things are so popular. I'm totally serious. This isn't satire. I have a lot of catching up to do! I wonder where I would be today if I had started drinking coffee earlier? It doesn't matter, I live in the now, now! I have to shit! Maybe I would have invented the Internet! No way! You think? I used to think about how we could talk to each other on computers before we actually did. But that's the difference. I used to only think about things. Now I do them! I better get to work on my retainatherm before someone else beats me to it! Retainatherm—think refrigerator except it keeps foods at the same constant temperature they went in with. Warm stays warm! Cold remains cold! Put a hot pizza in there and it stays hot! All at the same time! Retain-a-therm! Iced coffee! Haven't had that yet. I can't even imagine! You could drink it in the summer! Volleyball! There's a shooting pain under my left ribs. It's gone! Folgers crystals.
"When life hands you lemons, make coffee ... and then you'll have the desire to make lemonade."
Jon Friedman, 2004
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Confessions of a New Coffee Drinker By Jon Friedman
A Midyear Update From Miss Othmar By John Moe
Creepy Clown Under the Bed's Telepathic Message to Child in Bed, Age Five and a Half By Melissa Bell
The Screenwriter's Vacation By Richie Chevat
The Talent Competition By Tim Carvell
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