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N O T - Y E T - A I R E D
A N T I - T E E N
S M O K I N G A D S
S P O N S O R E D B Y
P H I L L I P M O R R I S
BY CAM DEYOUNG
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INT. NICE THREE-BEDROOM HOUSE — NIGHT
We open at a super-fun teenage party. Music is playing LOUD—something very fun and "of the moment." A cute girl is sitting by herself on the couch. A boy smoking a cigarette comes and sits down next to her.
BOY
Hey.
GIRL
Hey.
BOY
Hey, do you want to go smoke somewhere?
NOTE: Maybe the boy should have some really awesome clothes on and a very cool haircut. To add realism to the character.
GIRL
Um, I don't know.
BOY
Yeah, neither did I.
Pause. The boy coolly drags on his cigarette.
BOY
That was, until I saw many of my favorite celebrities smoking and enjoying it so thoroughly. The nonchalant air they had while they smoked, combined with their aura of "screw authority" made it a simple decision for me.
He takes another smooth pull on his cigarette.
BOY
But that's just me.
GIRL
Yeah, but I heard you get fat when you smoke.
BOY
No, silly. That's when you quit. Cigarettes are the best appetite suppressant on the market.
GIRL
Really? Huh.
BOY
Yeah. That's how I got this six-pack.
Boy lifts shirt to reveal chiseled stomach.
GIRL
Wow.
BOY
Yeah, it beats working out. So you do want to go smoke now?
GIRL
Um, not right this minute...but I'll see you in a bit. Bye.
Boy gets up but before he walks away he leaves a cigarette on the table. The girl crosses her arms and looks away from it. At the last second she takes a glance at it.
SUPERTITLES: Don't smoke just because someone tells you to. Be your own person—decide for yourself.
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EXT. MOVIE SET— DAY
We open on the set of a movie. Johnny Depp pulls out two guns and fires at two thugs, wasting them.
JOHNNY DEPP'S CHARACTER
Do you think your boss can find time for a meeting with me now, putas?
Depp's character spits on the bodies.
DIRECTOR
Cut! Terrific, Johnny. Beautiful.
Johnny Depp walks off the set and stops to address the camera. He is wearing Diesel jeans.
JOHNNY DEPP
Hi. I'm actor Johnny Depp and I used to smoke cigarettes... and today I continue to. I smoke a hell of a lot. I started when I was young, probably about your age, and I've never really stopped. Let me tell you a story, a pretty troubling story about a life devastated by tobacco. That story's called my life. Around twenty years back, I was a dopey unpopular teen who always did his homework and got pretty good grades. A four-star zero. I was sick of being a nobody and I was determined to do something about it. So one day I decided I wanted to try being a cool guy. So I started smoking. At that point, I'd only smoke occasionally—you know, like at a party. But the more parties I got invited to, the more new friends I wanted to smoke with. This started a vicious chain reaction. One thing led to another, parties and more parties, and then I ended up landing a big part on "21 Jump Street." My picture was plastered all over magazines worldwide, and I was harassed by thousands of women. And that wasn't even the worst of it. From there I became the star of a seemingly endless series of quirky and celebrated movies with diehard fans, all of whom hung desperately on my every word. I kept smoking and next thing I knew I was dating one supermodel and dumping her for another. One day, after an acceptance speech or something, I went outside and asked myself, 'What happened to you, Johnny?' That day I also smoked. I'm telling you all this because as painful as this story is to relive, hopefully, if I tell you this now, you'll never stray down the same dark and tortured path that I took. So remember kids, don't ever smoke cigarettes. Especially the ones I do, Camel Lights.
SUPERTITLES: Pirates of the Caribbean is now available on DVD.
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INT. NICE FAMILY HOME— NIGHT
Another kick-ass house party. A cool older guy is laughing with his friends while leaning on the back of a couch. A shy kid sits on the couch, staring into his glass. A friend pushes the cool older brother over the couch. The brother somersaults, smiling, and ends up sitting in the couch next to the shy kid. He looks over at him and then taps him on the shoulder.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
Say, partner. Why the long face?
SHY KID
I don't know. I'm just feeling like I don't quite fit in.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
What's the problem? You're the same age, and you've got the same clothes and same hair as everybody else.
SHY KID
Everybody looks so relaxed. I'm just a ball of nerves at these parties.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
I've got the prescription for you my man. Have a cig, and take it easy.
SHY KID
A what?
Cool older brother offers him a cigarette.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
A cigarette, my friend. It'll help you relax. It takes the edge off.
SHY KID
I can't... I don't smoke.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
It would help you talk to those two girls you've been staring at the whole night.
Shot of two girls in the kitchen talking to each other.
SHY KID
Hey I haven't.... Well, okay. That might be true but I think I'd rather just wait on the type of girl that doesn't care about that type of stuff. One that likes me for me.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
Wow. I wish I could be as strong as you. I really respect that. Hey, let me to tell you a secret I've learned in my extra years that will make you feel better. (Leans in to whisper) The truth is, talking with that type of girl isn't actually that fun after all. It's kind of boring. Do you know why?
Shy kid shakes his head.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
Because those girls are really boring. Any girl that only wants to be with a guy because he smokes is lame in my book.
SHY KID
I guess.
COOL OLDER BROTHER
Don't guess. It's true. Watch.
He goes over to the two girls with a lit cigarette he's smoking. They say something to the cool older brother. He lights two more cigarettes and starts to hand them to the girls. He then pulls them back real quick and put those in his mouth too. He smokes all three. They laugh and touch him. He gives them the cigarettes and they all talk for a second. The cool older brother turns to the shy kid. He points his finger down his throat in the "I'm going to barf" gesture. The shy kid laughs and shakes his head. He watches as the cool older brother walks away with an arm around each girl.
SUPERTITLES: Wait Till You're an Adult to Have Good Times with Cigarettes.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Guestbook: Vermont Applebrook Inn, Lancaster Suite, January 1, 1999-May 1, 2001 (Excerpts) By Jay Wexler
Phun List Phriday!
Confessions of a New Coffee Drinker By Jon Friedman
The August Van Zorn Prize for the Weird Short Story
Still More Cases from the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath
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