- - - -
Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
- - - -
BY D. BYARD COX - - - - As the parent and/or legal guardian of my child, I am aware of my financial and support-role responsibilities if my child participates in the Laurienzo Peewee Hockey League. In addition, I hereby release, with my signature on this document, the LHL (Laurienzo Peewee Hockey League) from any responsibility or liability. I certify that I have adequate insurance to cover any injury to my child that may be caused or suffered during participation in the LHL, or else I agree to bear the costs of such injury myself. Furthermore, by signing this document, I acknowledge that I will be found by a court of law to have waived my right to maintain a lawsuit against the LHL. I acknowledge that my child may be exposed to certain injury and health risks associated with competitive athletics, and in particular, those risks inherent in the sport of hockey, which my child is voluntarily participating in through the LHL, despite my knowledge of the risks. I acknowledge that hockey is a sport conducted with immense speed, force, and intensity, and therefore my child may sustain injury to his/her bones, muscles, and joints. I understand that, even with proper protective gear, my child may sustain repeated minor injury to his/her head, neck, back, ribs, tailbone, hips, knees, ankles, toes, elbows, wrists, fingers, nose, and teeth due to the slippery and rigid nature of unforgiving, rock-hard ice. I acknowledge that the sport of hockey utilizes a hockey puck, which can become a deadly projectile when accelerated into motion at high speeds by a slap shot, particularly when the puck is elevated and it strikes my child in the face. I realize that my child may be walloped by a swinging hockey stick. Similarly, I am aware that my child may suffer minor injuries such as body bruises, skin lacerations, fat lips, split lips, black eyes, broken noses, chipped teeth, broken teeth, eye gouges, neck trauma, abdominal trauma, hernias, genitalia trauma, internal bleeding, frostbitten appendages, or severe skin gashes sustained from contact with razor-sharp hockey skates. I realize that my child may get flattened on the boards by a vicious check from an opposing team's largest, strongest player, rendering my child utterly senseless and perhaps injured. Similarly, I acknowledge that my child will most likely be involved in high-speed collisions on open ice that will lift my child into horizontal flight while facing the ceiling such that the back of his/her head will strike first when he/she finally makes contact with the ice again. I realize that during an LHL game or practice, my child, instead of seeking immediate medical attention, may endanger himself/herself further by succumbing to the natural inclination to stare in fascination at the pure contrast of bright red blood on snow-white ice, as more of his/her blood drips onto the ice from his/her nose, mouth, scalp, or facial wound. I acknowledge the possibility that my child may get run over by the Zamboni. I understand that as the parent of an LHL player, I will be asked to interpret and follow a confusing, conflicting, inconvenient, inaccurate, and extremely busy game and practice schedule. Furthermore, I am aware that I may have to transport my child, and possibly other members of the team, to faraway places, including any place near the Twin Cities, Duluth, the Northwoods, the Great Lakes region, or Canada, since the team will travel far and wide in search of available ice, and in order to compete against the best teams in front of drunk, hostile crowds. I acknowledge the fact that as a participant in the LHL, my child will require countless expensive articles of clothing and pieces of equipment and protective gear, all of which he/she will grow out of after one season. I realize that at some point during my child's affiliation with LHL hockey, I will most likely be forced to defend the honor of my child, my spouse, or my family by fighting with an opposing fan, another LHL parent or family-member, the referees, or the coaches, particularly if a coach does not play my child enough, if the referee penalizes my child too much or disallows one of his/her goals, or if my child is insulted because he/she has several bad games, one bad game, one bad play, one poor defensive maneuver, one missed centering pass, a missed shot on goal, a missed goal on a break, a missed pass on a break, or a failure to find and pass the puck to another parent's child who was wide open, goddammit! I realize that my child will often be required to attend 5:00 a.m. practices before school, thereby guaranteeing that he/she will sleep during class, which will undoubtedly impair my child's ability to learn and succeed academically, which may prevent my child from graduating and/or leading an educated and fulfilling life. I realize that my child will attempt to be like all of his/her teammates by growing out his/her hair and sporting what is commonly referred to as "hockey hair," which, as a longish style requiring very little combing and maintenance, is basically a tousled, sweaty mullet. I acknowledge the likelihood that my child will begin to use foul language and crude insults, particularly of a sexual nature, on and off the ice. I realize that my child will begin to fistfight and exhibit aggressive, violent behavior on and off the ice, which may lead to trouble in school and ultimately a life of crime. I have had sufficient opportunity to read this entire document and I fully understand and agree with all of its clauses and contents. I agree to be bound by the terms of this document; I agree, most importantly, to waive my right to maintain a lawsuit against the LHL for any reason whatsoever.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Thursday List Insanity: Politics Edition! An Excerpt from The Convalescent By Jessica Anthony Philip Colavito, Mob Accountant By Leonard Pierce Charlie Rose Interviews the Bird Flu Virus By Tom Lombardi Tantric Sex Positions By Mike Sacks |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.