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- - - - THE predictions for the American League West which came unto Zephaniah the son of Cush, the son of Gedaliah, the son of Amariah, the son of Hizkiah, in the season of 2004 that is to come. - - - - The dreadful day of the Rangers. I will utterly consume the Texas Rangers from off the land, saith the LORD. I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea, and oft-injured veteran right-fielder Brian Jordan; and I will cut off man from the land, saith the LORD. And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD's sacrifice, that I will punish the king's children, and the vendors, and all such as are clothed with officially licensed Rangers apparel bearing the insignia of Major League Baseball. In the same day also will I punish all those that leap towards the short porch, which fill their master's houses with violence and deceit, though Blaylock and Teixeira are dynamite on the corners. And it shall come to pass in that day, saith the LORD, that there shall be the noise of a cry from the upper-deck box, and a howling from the bleachers, and a great crashing from the hills. - - - - Woe to the nations; and to Seattle. Woe unto the inhabitants of the seacoast, the nation of the Seattleites! The word of the LORD is against you; O Mariners, the team of the Philistines, I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant, not even the cannon arm of elite Japanese import Ichiro Suzuki. And the seacoast shall be dwellings and cottages for shepherds, and folds for flocks, and the dumping ground for the inflated salary of oft-injured closer Kazuhiro Sasaki. Therefore as I live, saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, surely Oakland shall be as Sodom, and the children of Anaheim as Gomorrah, even the breeding of nettles, and dead arms, and perpetual desolation: the residue of lost ticket income shall spoil them, and an overall decrease in television ratings shall possess them. - - - - They have done violence unto the double play. This shall they have for their pride, because they have reproached and magnified themselves, against the people of the LORD of hosts, and banked they too heavily on controversial rookie fireballer Bobby Jenks. This is the rejoicing division that dwelt carelessly, that said in her heart, I am facing an aging Yankee squad and a weak Central, and there is none beside me: how she is become a desolation, a place for lefty relievers approaching the end of their careers to lie down in! Every one that passeth by her shall hiss, and wag his hand. Angels take the pennant by five games. Woe unto thee, O Disneyland!
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
A Brief History of Helium to Be Read Aloud with the Aid of Helium By Justin Dullum Short Imagined Monologues: The Giant's Son By Markov Manalo Stalking Gracie, Part 1: An Excerpt from Stephen Elliott's New Novel, Happy Baby By Stephen Elliott An Open Letter to the Many Leafhoppers Destroyed in My Phylogenetic Research |
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