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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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- - - - The following is a transcript from the office of Newark High School's guidance counselor, John Hughes. MONDAY JANUARY 4, 1:19 p.m. Xio Xiang (sophomore): Mr. Hughes, you have to help me. John Hughes (guidance counselor): Slow down, son. What can I do for you? XX: I don't know how long I have. I'm being harassed and pummeled everyday by the other students and I'm scared I'm going to do something drastic. JH: Like getting drunk at a wild party, then jumping out of a tree onto your face and waking up by the curb covered in dog piss. XX: I was thinking more about using the shotguns I got from Wal-Mart and the homemade C-4 I fashioned from a recipe off the internet. JH: Now I don't think that's going to make you any more popular. But I can help you. First, let's start with the name—Xio Xiang. That has no comic cache. XX: It was my grandfather's name. He was a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who uncovered the illegal slave trade in China. God rest his soul. JH: That's sweet, but I don't think your grandfather could've rocked Newark High School. I was thinking of changing your name to something with more punch, like Phuk Yeu Long or Bang Mi Dong. XX: Actually, I was hoping that you could show me how to communicate better with the other students so that they won't savagely beat me everyday. JH: Well, there's the way you speak. Your diction is all wrong. XX: I speak perfect English. JH: That's the problem. Where are the hilariously mispronounced words and double entendres? Where's the accent of your homeland? XX: I was born in Hoboken. JH: Is that near Hong Kong? XX: I think my only option is home schooling. JH: I don't see how that's going to solve your problem. I mean, no one's going to find you funny there. - - - - TUESDAY JANUARY 15, 12:03 p.m. Maria Ramirez (freshman): Why am I here? JH: Well Maria, I've heard that you have recently suffered the loss of a boy—someone whom you loved but couldn't be with because he was from the other side of the tracks. MR: Actually, he was killed on the tracks in his car by an oncoming train during gang initiation. [Sobs quietly.] JH: I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have a best friend you can lean on? Maybe a quirky guy friend that is secretly in love with you but you've overlooked until now? MR: You mean like Chewy? JH: Yeah, what about Chewy? MR: [bellowing] He was driving the car! JH: Was the car a red '84 Porsche 944? MR: [barely audible] No. It was a used '72 AMC Eagle. JH: Oh God! Those things are death traps. - - - - FRIDAY FEBRUARY 10, 2:13 p.m. Blake Thompson (senior): Hi Mr. Hughes. You wanted to see me? JH: Blake, I'm a little disappointed in you. It's your senior year and I don't think you're doing enough. BT: But Mr. Hughes, I'm a straight-A student. I'm in the French Club, German Club, Drama Club, Physics Club, and Babysitter's Club. I've lettered in football, basketball, diving, luge, polo and water polo. I volunteer for Meals on Wheels and the Make a Wish Foundation. I've gained early acceptance to Harvard and have been the first ever to be pre-selected as a Rhodes scholar. JH: It really angers me to see you throw your young life away. BT: Did I mention that I will be the first teenager to fly in orbit on the shuttle? JH: Let me ask you this. Have you ever posed as a food magnate to get a table at a fancy restaurant? Have you ever climbed a float during a parade and lip-synched to Wayne Newton while five nubile young women in Bavarian costumes danced around you like cheap strippers? BT: I fail to see how that's going to get me out of the projects. JH: Wait—you're not a wealthy, white kid from the suburbs? BT: No. JH: Well, here's a job application for the local parking garage. If you're lucky, you might get to joyride in someone else's classic sports car someday. Enjoy. BT: But- JH: I've got to run home and check on my son. He's home sick from school today. He had very clammy hands. OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
20-Minute Stories Selections from Condoleezza Rice's Testimony Before the 9/11 Commission By Austin Sidley Basta Cosi, Part Seven By Michelle Orange Basta Cosi, Part Six By Michelle Orange 20-Minute Stories |
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