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N O N V I O L E N T P H I L O S O P H Y
F O R T H E
P H I L O S O P H I C A L L Y V I O L E N T
BY MONICA PADRICK
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Most criminals are really close-minded. They think that violence is the only answer. Well, they're wrong—violence is merely the most fun answer. In all the furor surrounding politically charged nonviolent philosophy today, one has to wonder: what will become of that bastion of American culture—the felonious criminal—in this godforsaken peacenik society? Never fear, criminals. The key is to combine a philosophy of nonviolence with a desire to commit violent crimes. Take a page from my book:
Mugging
Purchase a hot-dog cart, a supply of hot dogs, and a tempting selection of condiments. Next, fulfill all licensing requirements for food vendors in your locality. Then, when a target approaches your curbside emporium, take their money clean away from them. Leave 'em with nothing but an affordable treat.
Bank Robbery
Put on your ski mask. Burst into a bank waving your gun and demand that the teller open the safe. While he's back there, chain yourself to a desk and refuse to eat. Move only when signing petitions. Speak only when explaining your agenda to the media.
Taking Hostages
One by one, go by your colleagues' homes on your way to work. Lure them into your vehicle. Now they're all yours. Make small talk to keep them from uniting and overpowering you. Free them only once you successfully arrive at your place of employment.
Identity Theft
Steal the name, Social Security number, and hairstyle of your victim. Attend his high-school reunion and reconnect with his old friends, making good on his forgotten dream to keep in touch with those who were important to him. Do it all over again the way he wishes he could. Then sell heroin to minors, take out nine mortgages in his name, and punch his dad in the face.
Murder
Befriend your target, go to lunch, become godparents for each other's children, and stand at his bedside as he passes away after a long, full life. This might seem like a long process, but boy is the payoff worth it, 'cause now that asshole's dead.
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