- - - - P R O S   A N D   C O N S   O F J O H N   K E R R Y ' S T O P   T W E N T Y V I C E - P R E S I D E N T I A L C A N D I D A T E S BY JOHN MOE - - - - 1. John Edwards, Senator, North Carolina Pro: Charismatic public speaker Con: Not likely to deliver home state, may outshine Kerry 2. John McCain, Senator, Arizona Pro: Independent thinker, veteran, may draw Republican votes Con: Is a Republican, disagrees with Kerry on most things 3. Bob Kerrey, former Senator, Nebraska Pro: As 9/11 Commission member, earned reputation as tough but fair Con: May be considered nepotism for John Kerry to nominate his own brother 4. Bill Clinton, former President Pro: Oh man, that would be awesome—could you imagine? He'd be all like Yeah, I'm back, so suck on this, y'all and everyone would be all No way and he'd be all Way Con: None 5. Bob Graham, Senator, Florida Pro: Decades-long career as America's most popular evangelist could deliver Christians and conservatives Con: Invented the graham cracker, which, frankly, isn't that great 6. Max Cleland, former Senator, Georgia Pro: Close Kerry confidant, fellow Vietnam vet Con: Got ass kicked by a guy named "Saxby" 7. Paul Tsongas, former Senator, Massachusetts Pro: Fiscal conservative, appeal could cross party lines Con: From same state as Kerry, died in 1997 8: H. Ross Perot, businessman, Texas Pro: Hilarity Con: None 9. No one; anywhere Pro: Would allow voters to concentrate on Kerry Con: Would not deliver a state, raise money, or do anything, due to lack of existence 10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France 11. Blanche Lincoln, Senator, Arkansas Pro: Combines best elements of Blanche DuBois and Abraham Lincoln Con: No Democrat from Arkansas has ever won national election 12. Bob Menendez, Representative, New Jersey Pro: Could solidify shaky support in New Jersey, lure Latino voters Con: Along with brother Lyle, murdered parents 13. Dan Quayle, former Senator, Indiana Pro: Possessed of Robert Redford-style good looks, energetic Con: None 14. Ann Coulter, columnist Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin" 15. Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, California Pro: Can clog up the middle, blocks shots, requires alteration of opposing team's game plan Con: Free-throw shooting still an issue, recalcitrant 16. Joseph Biden, Senator, Delaware Pro: Articulate speaker, respected among Democratic leadership Con: Delaware is a protectorate, not a state, therefore constitutionally ineligible 17. Ashton Kutcher, actor, California Pro: Could "punk" Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell "Punk'd!" and it would be funny Con: Sucks 18. A big pile of fudge; all over Pro: Tasty, particularly enjoyed by women and increasingly obese nation Con: Perishable, nonsentient, lackluster in debates and speeches 19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one's a mean dog and one's a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can't talk 20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable Con: Mythical   OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - 20-Minute Story Contest Grand Prize Winner By David Kennerly Festiva!: A Play in Three Acts, Concerning Henry Ford's First Encounter with Locking His Keys Inside His Car By Mark D. Davis The Making of the Autobiography of George W. Bush (an Excerpt) By Robert Boswell Nonviolent Philosophy for the Philosophically Violent By Monica Padrick Sestinas

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL