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- - - - The millions of young gentlemen, and handful of young ladies, who will be freshman students at the great universities of our Republic came into this world in the year of our Lord 1900. Consider the following: 1. They have no meaningful recollection of the administration of President William McKinley, and probably do not know that he had been shot. 2. They were but three years old when the Wright brothers first took flight at Kitty Hawk. 3. They have never lived in fear of an Indian insurrection. 4. The "hobble" skirt has always appeared fashionable to them. 5. Their life-time has always included Coca-Cola as a recreational beverage. A Coca-Cola has always cost five cents. 6. They likely have never heard of William Jennings Bryan. 7. To them, "Bismarck" is merely the name of the capital of North Dakota. 8. They have only known North Dakota to be a state in the Union—never a mere territory. 9. They were a mere eight years old when the Habsburgs acquired Bosnia and Herzegovina. 10. They have always known the luxury of the hand-cranked Victrola. 11. They have never heard of the Panic of 1893. 12. They have always known the Gold Coast as a British possession. 13. They have never known King Umberto I of Italy. 14. They have never seen the great Roger Connor play baseball. 15. They shall never know war again, now that the War to End All Wars has forged a new era of world peace.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Substitute Limericks By Eric Silver An Open Letter to My Gynecologist By Lindsay Katai Dispatch 12: Some Sounds By Roy Kesey Create Your Own Thomas Friedman Op-Ed Column By Michael Ward This Town and Salamanca, Part 2 By Allan Seager |
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