- - - - H O W   I   F A L L   A S L E E P . BY VAN CHOOJITAROM - - - - Look at the beautiful little baby. Isn't he pretty? He's resting now, all curled up, just plumb tuckered out. You can hear his little breaths as he sleeps. Good baby. Everyone loves the baby, Mommy most of all. Pretty baby. Nice baby. Clean baby. Good baby. But they don't love him just because he's a little baby. No. People love the baby because he is good and he possesses many fine qualities that people admire. Qualities they themselves would like to possess. But the baby is better than all of them. But they do not hate the baby for this. Far from it. Nor would they love the baby any less if he did not possess these qualities in the proportion that he does, or if he were to ever fail or falter. But that will never happen. Because he's a good baby. A beautiful good baby that has earned the respect and honor of his peers. People love the baby. They enjoy seeing and being with the baby. The baby's affection and interest in them means a lot to them. Because this baby is powerful. Very powerful. People know not to cross the baby, or hurt or anger him in any way. They would never do that. Because there would be consequences. Terrible consequences. They know that, just as the baby is clean and beautiful and a powerful ally, he is also dangerous, fearsome, and an unforgiving adversary in any possible conflict scenario. So they love him. Sleep now, pretty baby. Mommy loves you.   OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - How to Spoil Your Panther for Under Ten Dollars By Eric Silver John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences By John Moe Community College Buddha Master By Mike Sacks Five Rejected Opening Lines for the CBS Evening News By Dan Kennedy The Fallguy's Faith By Robert Coover

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL