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H O W   T O   T E L L
P E O P L E   T H A T   Y O U
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W I T H O U T   S O U N D I N G
O B N O X I O U S .

BY WENDY MOLYNEUX

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1. Excuse me, but did you know that I am a billionaire? Well, I am. Nice wheelchair, asshole.

2. Pardon me, but did you drop this wallet? Oh, no, wait. I dropped it. I guess because it was so full of money. (Sigh.) Billions of dollars, in fact. Come back here or I'll hire someone to kill you.

3. My, what a cute baby. I have a baby at home made entirely out of one-hundred-dollar bills. Why do you think Jesus loves me so much? Is it because I am a billionaire?

4. What nice weather we're having. I enjoy the rain. I also enjoy inviting a bunch of orphans over to my house and telling them that I am going to adopt them. Then, at the end of the day, I gather them around me and, after pausing to puff on my pipe, I say, "Just kidding, jerks." I am a billionaire.

5. Do you know what a billion dollars looks like? I guess not, because you are blind. I'm sleeping with your wife.

 

OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Robert Coover's Stepmother is Now Available. We Have an Appreciation and an Excerpt.
Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation? By David Chambers
How I Fall Asleep By Van Choojitarom
How to Spoil Your Panther for Under Ten Dollars By Eric Silver
John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences By John Moe

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