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- - - - Sportings: Rangers of Texas 3, Red Sox of Boston 2 One of countless matches of the imperialist American game of bases-ball took place in the stifling heat of Arlington, in the very heart of territory stolen by Yankee colonial swine from Mexico in one of their many bloodlusting wars. Not surprisingly, Dominican traitor-dog and counterrevolutionary Alfonso Soriano “stole” the second of four possible white square pieces of leather, inappropriately called “bags” by lying American jackals. Theft occurs even in the children’s games of the capitalist scourge America. This theft is the occurrence which won the match for the puny Rangers of Texas, named after the illegal, bourgeois, reactionary police force of the stolen territory of Mexico, Texas. On the pile of dirt in the center of the four white square pieces—called a “mound” to insult the graves of heroic Marxist North Korean war dead—stood the pitcher for the assembled unit of Boston, Byung-Hyun Kim. Byung-Hyun Kim, from the illegitimate so-called Republic of South Korea, was sold into slavery by the lapdog prostitute government of South Korea to America. He now must stand upon the dirt hill at the center of the field and toss balls over one hundred times until exhausted and near death. The so-called Soriano “stole” the second “base” from him purposely to humiliate the Korean people. Both the imperialist Red Sox of Boston and the capitalist Rangers of Texas planned together for this insult to occur. The “defensive indifference” of the jackass Kevin Millar and the hyena Pokey Reese enrages all revolutionaries. Films: The Terminal, starring the so-called Tom Hanks The pig-America sense of comedy is ludicrous and oppressive. In this movie, created in CIA-Hollywood, the Tom Hanks is a foreign citizen held hostage by the donkey America KKK swine government inside one of their so-called fascist air terminals. They tell him his country has ceased to exist, in the usual snake-lies of USA. He cannot leave the airport, nor can he go home to his country, most likely blown up by American/FBI nuclear warheads in a war of economic terrorism and racist colonialism. The Tom Hanks is trapped by the nation-of-slugs America and humiliated by their greed. If USA-wolves are sending the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea a message-threat with this counterrevolutionary evil babbling, they will soon face the great dragon of Stalinist might. 2 stars. Music: Lollapalooza Canceled The infamous American music festival at which the stupid young are idle and lazy has been canceled. The whore Perry Farrell lies without remorse that poor ticket sales are to blame. Upon hearing the news, the peerless leader Kim Jong-il released the following statement: “The Sonic’s Youth and the Modest Mice have been fooled by treachery. I invite these Youth and these Mice to perform in Pyongyang, upon the stage of our state opera. If these Youth and these Mice accept, they must wear traditional Korean costumes and sing of cooperative land reclamation. They must not fear the poor ticket sales of cockroach America. I plan to honor the Modest Mice with burial in my father’s mausoleum.”
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Liberty Dogs: An Excerpt from Paul Collins's Not Even Wrong By Paul Collins Playlists on Dick Cheney's iPod By Ryan Boudinot Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper By Dan Kennedy An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me By James Foreman |
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