Announcing The Future Dictionary of America.- - - - THE BOOK The Future Dictionary of America is a guide to the American language sometime in the future, when all or most of our country's problems are solved and the present administration is a distant memory. The book includes contributions from almost 200 writers and artists, including Kurt Vonnegut, Art Spiegelman, Stephen King, T.C. Boyle, ZZ Packer, Michael Chabon, Jeffrey Eugenides, Jonathan Safran Foer, Joyce Carol Oates, Jim Shepard, Rick Moody, Sarah Vowell, Richard Powers, Chris Ware, Jonathan Ames, Gabe Hudson, Julie Orringer, and many, many more. The book also comes with a CD, compiled by Barsuk Records, featuring new songs and rarities from R.E.M., Sleater-Kinney, Elliott Smith, Tom Waits, David Byrne, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, They Might Be Giants, Death Cab for Cutie, and many others. THE GUARANTEE All proceeds from the sales of this dictionary go directly to groups devoted to expressing their outrage over the Bush administration's assault on free speech, overtime, drinking water, truth, the rule of law, humility, the separation of church and state, a woman's right to choose, clean air, and every other good idea this country has ever had. These groups include the Sierra Club, America's oldest and largest grass-roots environmental organization; Common Assets, a new organization working to protect the commons; and many other specific projects relating to the 2004 election–mobilizing and educating voters, getting people to the polls, door-to-door organizing, and other efforts. A FEW DEFINITIONS blowkay [bloh'-kay] adj. of an attitude, typically exhibited by the electorate, that elected officials who have sexual relations outside of marriage while in office are less deserving of impeachment than officials whose decisions lead to the loss of human life. Folks say the new senator from Rhode Island is a skirt chaser, but as long as he doesn't send thousands of Americans off to die in a war on false pretenses, he's blowkay with me. No "There" There Kid, the [noh thayr thayr' kid] n. an honorific position involving one sixth-grader chosen from a national competition whose responsibility entails the public monitoring of all significant press conferences of major figures in a governing American administration. The sixth-grader, seated unobtrusively beside the politician's podium, is responsible for ringing an electronic bell when, in his or her estimation, a question asked has been entirely left unanswered. The politician speaking is then given the opportunity to try again. If, in the No "There" There Kid's estimation, the question still has been entirely left unanswered, he or she rings a second bell, at which time the original questioner is allowed a redirect: i.e., "What I meant for you to answer, sir, was not why you and Vice President X were testifying before the commission, but why you felt the need to testify before the commission together." The politician is then given a third opportunity to respond. If, in the No "There" There Kid's estimation, this third attempt also leaves the question entirely unanswered, he or she sounds a buzzer, and a graphic above the politician's head is changed to read "Direct Questions Evaded: 1." And so on. wankerzone [wan'-kur-zohn] n. a place where hardcore liberals and conservatives go to hit each other with pillows. These zones, which are padded and full of fun obstacles, were constructed so that a person who feels very strongly about some issue may seek out a counterpart who disagrees just as strongly and then they can swat each other with heavy pillows. The zones became taxpayer-funded, because it turned out everyone benefited one way or another, either through the entertaining diversion of watching folks engage in spirited pillow fights or through the eventual reduction in overbearing attempts to legislate other people's behavior. After a good session in the wankerzone, the two dueling parties are encouraged to sit down together and have a nice cool smoothie. Zzzunday [zuhn'-day] n. national holiday occurring once every 28 years, when a leap year coincides with a Sunday. Zzzunday is celebrated with 24 hours of uninterrupted sleep, in recognition of an entire generation's accumulated sleep deficit. Secondary holidays have grown to immediately precede Zzzunday, including Sleepless Friday, and a Hibernation Saturday of block parties, children's sleepovers, and retail promotional sales of bed linens, mattresses, and pillows. Traditionally, insomniacs mark Zzzunday by going out to a Chinese restaurant—if they can find one open that day. - - - - To order The Future Dictionary of America, - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Announcing The Future Dictionary of AmericaAnnals of Science, Volume IV: The Salad Days of Genetics By B.R. Cohen The North Korean State News Service Picks Up on Less Globally Relevant American News By Andrew Golden Liberty Dogs (Part II): A Follow-Up to an Excerpt from Paul Collins's Not Even Wrong Liberty Dogs: An Excerpt from Paul Collins's Not Even Wrong |
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