Be Prepared!:
How to Handle Threats
to the Election.
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The Threat: Terrorism
If there is a terrorist attack on or near Election Day, it is important to remember that terrorists hate democracy, not republicancy. Even terrorists know that is not a real word. So if you are a Democrat, do not appear in public on Election Day. The terrorists will be able to identify you as a Democrat by your fashionable casual clothing, your look of concern when you see litter or starving children, and your hatred of America. If you do go out in public, you can throw the terrorists off your scent by going into a voting booth and voting Republican, then loudly proclaiming to anyone who will hear, "I voted Republican, by God! I love that Iraq war! Good times! Ick, who put this starving child in my Range Rover? Why, I oughta ...!"
The Threat: Bees
If there is a group that hates democracy more than terrorists, it has to be the bees. Bees live in a monarchy, where a female aristocrat dictates every aspect of each bee's existence. If the bees try to attack on Election Day, be aware that bees are very likely to go for Democrats first, because Democrats smell sweetly of patchouli and sweaty, non-missionary-position sex, sometimes with people of the same gender, if you can believe such a thing. Democrats are always doing it in weird positions such as "Woman on Top," "The Buffalo," and "The Mad Max." These activities not only create STDs; they also attract bees. Stay home, Democrats. Stay home and enjoy your "Choo-Choo Train," or bees will attack and kill you. Bees!
The Threat: The Current Administration
Let's face it. No one hates the electoral process more than the current administration. I don't know if you know this, but they could actually be voted out of office on election day. And that just isn't fair. Let's say someone wanted to fire you from your sweet job at that nonprofit food bank, where you work just because you sent some of your employees out on an ill-conceived Meals on Wheels mission and a bunch of them died. If we held an election today to see if you should be fired, wouldn't you assemble an army of superintelligent bees to attack your enemies? Isn't America all about having the freedom to hypnotize striped insects to do your bidding? Go, little bees. Fly, bees! My bees! My bees!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Be Prepared!: How to Handle Threats to the Election By Wendy Molyneux
Ten Excerpts From a Magazine Found at a Philly Gentlemen's Club, Reformatted as Love Poems By Daniel Maurer
John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences, Volume III By John Moe
The Screen Test By Katherine Grosjean
Query By Tom Lombardi
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