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If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet.BY MICHAEL FOWLER- - - - Act I, scene ii. A room of state at Elsinore. HORATIO: My lord, I came to see your father's funeral. HAMLET: I think it was to see my mother's wedding. HORATIO: Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon. HAMLET: She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Act I, scene v. A platform before the castle. Enter GHOST and HAMLET. GHOST: My hour is almost come, HAMLET: If you get a ringing in your ears, Act II, scene ii. A room in the castle. Enter HAMLET, reading. POLONIUS: How does my good Lord Hamlet? HAMLET: If I had blood, I'd blush. POLONIUS: Do you know me, my lord? HAMLET: You're the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. POLONIUS: Not I, my lord. HAMLET: You are frank and earnest with women. In Fresno you're Frank, and in Chicago you're Ernest. Act III, scene ii. A hall in the castle. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA. OPHELIA: You are merry, my lord. HAMLET: Merry? I'd commit suicide if it didn't involve killing myself. Act V, scene i. A churchyard. Enter two CLOWNS, with spades, etc. FIRST CLOWN: Here's a skull now. This skull has lain in the earth three and twenty years. HAMLET: Whose was it? FIRST CLOWN: This same skull, sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester. HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull.) Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him. He had a defect that to a jester might be fatal. He wasn't funny. Act V, scene i. (The same churchyard.) LAERTES: Lay her i' th' earth, HAMLET: What, the fair Ophelia? She must have had Egyptian blood. Every time I tried to kiss her, she said, "Tut! Tut!" Act V, scene ii. A hall in the castle. LAERTES: Hamlet, thou art slain; HAMLET: Want to know the secret of longevity? Keep breathing. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet By Michael FowlerWhy I Am Leaving the Troupe By Brian Sack What's (So) Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding By Eric Silver More Entries From The Future Dictionary of America Martha Ballard, Enlightenment-Era Midwife, Reviews Mötley Crüe, a Musical Group By Jessica Suarez |
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