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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet. BY MICHAEL FOWLER - - - - Act I, scene ii. A room of state at Elsinore. HORATIO: My lord, I came to see your father's funeral. HAMLET: I think it was to see my mother's wedding. HORATIO: Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon. HAMLET: She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Act I, scene v. A platform before the castle. Enter GHOST and HAMLET. GHOST: My hour is almost come, When I to sulf'rous and tormenting flames Must render up myself. HAMLET: If you get a ringing in your ears, don't answer it. Act II, scene ii. A room in the castle. Enter HAMLET, reading. POLONIUS: How does my good Lord Hamlet? HAMLET: If I had blood, I'd blush. POLONIUS: Do you know me, my lord? HAMLET: You're the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. POLONIUS: Not I, my lord. HAMLET: You are frank and earnest with women. In Fresno you're Frank, and in Chicago you're Ernest. Act III, scene ii. A hall in the castle. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA. OPHELIA: You are merry, my lord. HAMLET: Merry? I'd commit suicide if it didn't involve killing myself. Act V, scene i. A churchyard. Enter two CLOWNS, with spades, etc. FIRST CLOWN: Here's a skull now. This skull has lain in the earth three and twenty years. HAMLET: Whose was it? FIRST CLOWN: This same skull, sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester. HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull.) Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him. He had a defect that to a jester might be fatal. He wasn't funny. Act V, scene i. (The same churchyard.) LAERTES: Lay her i' th' earth, And from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring! HAMLET: What, the fair Ophelia? She must have had Egyptian blood. Every time I tried to kiss her, she said, "Tut! Tut!" Act V, scene ii. A hall in the castle. LAERTES: Hamlet, thou art slain; No med'cine in the world can do thee good. In thee there is not half an hour's life. HAMLET: Want to know the secret of longevity? Keep breathing. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet By Michael Fowler Why I Am Leaving the Troupe By Brian Sack What's (So) Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding By Eric Silver More Entries From The Future Dictionary of America Martha Ballard, Enlightenment-Era Midwife, Reviews Mötley Crüe, a Musical Group By Jessica Suarez

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL