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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!
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If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet.BY MICHAEL FOWLER- - - - Act I, scene ii. A room of state at Elsinore. HORATIO: My lord, I came to see your father's funeral. HAMLET: I think it was to see my mother's wedding. HORATIO: Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon. HAMLET: She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Act I, scene v. A platform before the castle. Enter GHOST and HAMLET. GHOST: My hour is almost come, HAMLET: If you get a ringing in your ears, Act II, scene ii. A room in the castle. Enter HAMLET, reading. POLONIUS: How does my good Lord Hamlet? HAMLET: If I had blood, I'd blush. POLONIUS: Do you know me, my lord? HAMLET: You're the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. POLONIUS: Not I, my lord. HAMLET: You are frank and earnest with women. In Fresno you're Frank, and in Chicago you're Ernest. Act III, scene ii. A hall in the castle. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA. OPHELIA: You are merry, my lord. HAMLET: Merry? I'd commit suicide if it didn't involve killing myself. Act V, scene i. A churchyard. Enter two CLOWNS, with spades, etc. FIRST CLOWN: Here's a skull now. This skull has lain in the earth three and twenty years. HAMLET: Whose was it? FIRST CLOWN: This same skull, sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester. HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull.) Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him. He had a defect that to a jester might be fatal. He wasn't funny. Act V, scene i. (The same churchyard.) LAERTES: Lay her i' th' earth, HAMLET: What, the fair Ophelia? She must have had Egyptian blood. Every time I tried to kiss her, she said, "Tut! Tut!" Act V, scene ii. A hall in the castle. LAERTES: Hamlet, thou art slain; HAMLET: Want to know the secret of longevity? Keep breathing. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet By Michael FowlerWhy I Am Leaving the Troupe By Brian Sack What's (So) Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding By Eric Silver More Entries From The Future Dictionary of America Martha Ballard, Enlightenment-Era Midwife, Reviews Mötley Crüe, a Musical Group By Jessica Suarez |
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