The A-Team Resolves Lapses in Homeland Security.BY RYAN BOUDINOT- - - - Threat: Al Qaeda operatives use New York City tourist helicopters to crash into targets. Solution: Erect fake backdrops of New York City skyline at helicopter landing pads. Use smoke machines to generate artificial fog. Rejigger instrument panel to falsely indicate helicopter is gaining altitude. Disguise Murdock and B.A. as pilots. When terrorists express confusion, clock them with helicopter helmets. Threat: Terrorists detonate bomb loaded with nuclear materials in heavily populated area. Solution: Murdock and Face knock on door of terrorist sleeper cell disguised as pest-control authorities. Meanwhile, Hannibal unleashes cockroaches in air vents to give terrorists the willies. Murdock and Face gain entry. While terrorists' attention is diverted, replace radioactive materials with horse manure. Later, when bomb detonates harmlessly, have B.A. deliver line, "Now that's what I call a dirty bomb." Threat: Car bomb. Solution: With soldering iron and sheets of corrugated tin, disguise urban assault vehicle as ice-cream truck. As terrorist parks bomb-loaded vehicle, Murdock engages terrorist in argument about whose parking space it is. While terrorist is diverted, Face enters vehicle and snips bomb wires with wire cutter. Should a high-speed chase ensue, use grenade launchers mounted beneath ice-cream truck to make terrorist's vehicle explode and flip onto its roof. Watch terrorist groggily climb from vehicle, clutching head. Threat: Shipping containers packed Solution: Tranquilize B.A. with drugged powdered donut. Fly drugged B.A. to Pakistan, to meet Face and Hannibal, both disguised as radical clerics. Locate plans for ship-container plot employing the seductive help of token female member of A-Team. Hide B.A. in shipping container. Upon arrival at American port, have B.A. burst from shipping container in dune buggy he crafted from materials found in container. Have Hannibal chew cigar and deliver line, "I love it when a plan comes together." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The A-Team Resolves Lapses in Homeland Security By Ryan BoudinotDiary of a Congressional Candidate in Florida's Fourth Congressional District By Richard Grayson Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper By Dan Kennedy Contributors to The Future Dictionary of America Unfortunate Piñata Fillings By Maureen Traverse |
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