An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations.BY EVAN THIES- - - - Dear Cable News Organizations, I think you should have Renée Zellweger killed. The war and the election have done much for your ratings this season, but, let's face it, after November it's back to 24-hour coverage of Laci Peterson, and frankly, that chick is played. So, you might as well kill Renée Zellweger. Any story where an attractive, young, white woman is killed or goes missing is a sure-fire Nielsen favorite. Throw in a celebrity—especially an Academy Award winner at the top of her game—and you can ride that starlet's corpse like a rocket sled, all the way through sweeps. Think of the killer demo saturation. Old people love Chicago. Women 35 to 55 admire Zellweger's surly, unloved Cold Mountain character. Women 18 to 35 identify with Bridget Jones. Men 18 to 65 want to see her naked. May I suggest a public kidnapping followed by a car chase, a manhunt, and an extended standoff outside some sort of creepy cabin in the woods? Finally, Zellweger is shot trying to wrestle a gun away from her deranged assailant. It's later announced, at the star-studded funeral, that she was pregnant. Finally, live via satellite, we can all watch the three-month-long trial of her captor, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Now that's news! Sincerely, - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations By Evan ThiesVH1's Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs By Chris Harvey Hip-Hop Artist or Entry on U.S. Government Terrorist Watch List? By Josh Michtom Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet By Michael Ward The A-Team Resolves Lapses in Homeland Security By Ryan Boudinot |
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