Ike Turner's
Guide to Restoring America's Honor.
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OK, America, you done fucked up again. Things got a little out of hand, and you went and blew up another country. Now you got everybody all mad at you, and you don't know what to do. Well, don't worry, America. Ike's been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. You better listen to what I'm telling you, America. Ike knows what he's talking about, and Ike's willing to help you out as long as you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. You dig?
Step 1
OK, first things first, America. Stop smacking the bitch. I know sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment and you don't know when you've gone too far. Sometimes you just get so mad sometimes. I know you tried to warn Iraq. You told Iraq to stop provoking you. But Iraq wouldn't listen. Iraq was being stubborn and ignorant, and you had to teach Iraq a lesson. Now Iraq's all beaten and bruised and bleeding everywhere, fucking up the good carpet. It's time to chill the fuck out, America. You don't wanna kill Iraq. You just wanna show Iraq how much you love it. It's just sometimes you go a little crazy is all.
Step 2
Give Iraq a Kleenex and tell it to clean itself up. Tell Iraq to hurry, you ain't got all day.
Step 3
Now comes the hard part. You've got to apologize to Iraq, America. Even if you don't really mean it, you've got to swallow your pride and say the words "I'm sorry, baby." Tell Iraq that sometimes America just gets so mad sometimes, and things get out of hand. America doesn't mean to hurt Iraq. America just wants to teach Iraq a lesson, because America loves Iraq so much, baby. America knows what's best for Iraq, and if Iraq would just listen and stop being so stubborn, it could be the best country in the world.
Step 4
Surprise Iraq with a little present. How about ... the gift of democracy! Get all your friends together and make a big celebration out of it. Offer Iraq a little tiny slice of democracy for the cameras. Wait a minute! What's that? Iraq doesn't want your democracy? Tell Iraq it better take a bite of democracy, dammit. C'mon, Iraq, don't disappoint America in front of all these people. C'mon, have some democracy, you low-down dirty ho!
If Iraq asks you to leave it alone, just raise your fist and tell it to stop being all uppity. If Iraq still fights back, well, you're gonna have to teach Iraq a lesson.
Step 5
OK, you did it again. Now you done put Iraq in the hospital. Maybe it's time to do some soul-searching and find out if maybe the problem isn't with you. Promise Iraq that you're gonna try and get some help with your oil addiction and that you'll be a better country from now on. Oil makes you do some crazy things sometimes. Things you tend to regret later. You're gonna have to cut that shit out for good. You dig?
Step 6
Hey, I never said you had to quit cold turkey. Guzzle that shit down and drive over to Iraq's house and start busting up the joint, for old times' sake.
Step 7
OK, by now Iraq's probably threatening to kill your ass if you don't leave it alone. I know it's tough, but at some point you're gonna have to learn how to let go. It's gonna bruise the shit out of your ego, and other countries are probably gonna look down on you for the next few decades, but it has to be done. It'll allow Iraq to blossom into its own beautiful country, and it'll give you a chance to focus on improving yourself for a change. You used to be really great, remember? Think of all the amazing things you've done in the past. You went a little nuts there for a few years, but it's never too late to get back on track. Eventually, the world will learn to respect you again. They'll follow your example and learn from your mistakes.
And if it makes you feel any better, one day Iraq will probably star in a really shitty Mel Gibson movie.
Peace,
Ike
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor By Ken McIntyre
Still More Entries From The Future Dictionary of America
Are You Another Vietnam? By Don Steinberg
How to Know Whether the Voice Around You, Promising Unspeakable Pain, Is Reciting 50 Cent Lyrics or Truly Threatening Your Life By Tony Antoniadis
Tuesday List Terrificness: War on Terror Edition
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