Stranger Danger:
A Guide for Kids.
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Nurses
What is a nurse?
A nurse is a lady who helps a doctor. Nurses are always women because women can't be doctors. That is because they aren't smart enough. Women have trouble paying attention in class because they are so boy crazy.
What do nurses look like?
Nurses wear white dresses and hats with red crosses on them. They are subtly alluring, because there is always a chance that they are naughty, naughty nurses.
Are nurses dangerous?
Yes, but it's the good kind of danger.
Policemen
What is a policeman?
Policemen are also known as cops or pigs. You will know that a cop is near when you smell bacon.
What do policemen look like?
Policemen usually have handlebar mustaches, and are always turning in their badges to grizzled sergeants after going outside the law to save an innocent dame's life.
Where can I find a policeman if I need one?
You can find a policeman in a donut shop or a bar. To get their attention, shout, "This is a holdup!"
Communists
What is a Communist?
Communists are people who think we should all give up our possessions and run around naked all the time. They are always drinking absinthe, smoking tiny cigarettes, and playing bongos and harps.
What do Communists look like?
Communists wear berets and carry around manuscripts for the novels they're writing. You will know you are talking to a Communist if he calls you "Comrade," or says, "I hate America. Let's get naked."
Are Communists dangerous?
I don't know. Maybe you don't like having a TV and a car and sleeping on a bed made out of money. Maybe you'd rather live in Mother Russia, where the only thing the kids have to play with is a block of wood they painted a face on and nicknamed "Blocky."
Dads
What is a dad?
A dad is a man who never meant to hurt you or your mother. He loves you very much, but he's just gotta be free.
What does Dad look like?
Dad looks a lot more relaxed since he moved out of the house. He grew a mustache and his new girlfriend, Kim-Kim, really digs it.
Where can I find Dad if I need him?
Sorry, but Daddy can't tell you that. Daddy can't reveal his location, because Daddy is a spy who works for the government. Oh, man, I shouldn't have said that, but you can keep a secret, right? He wishes he could see you more often, but he has a lot of secret business to do, sometimes in Europe, sometimes in space. Daddy will be back for your birthday, and then Daddy will take you to Medieval Times like he promised. If you play your cards right, he might even give you a ride home.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Stranger Danger: A Guide for Kids By Wendy Molyneux
The Future Dictionary of America Contest Winners
Summer Vacation at Burning Man By G. Xavier Robillard
This Bible You Sold Me Is Clearly Defective and I'd Like to Return It, Please By Matthew Simmons
What Color Is Your Sippy Cup? By J. Daniel Janzen
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