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THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS HAVE A TIME MACHINE: INSTALLMENT THREE.- - - - Read - - - - "What are you looking at?" demanded Robert Fulton, known widely and incorrectly as the inventor of the steamboat. He addressed his question to Danny Markov, Russian-born defenseman for the Philadelphia Flyers, who had traveled back in time to watch Fulton, who was sketching his designs along the beautiful banks of the Hudson River. "Just keep doing," Danny Markov grinned and cackled, his repeatedly broken and facially misplaced nose making it difficult for Fulton to focus a dirty look. "I just watching." Fulton snorted and went back to his easel, momentarily, before spinning to face Markov. "Did Ben Franklin send you to see what I was doing? Because, as you can see, I am not finished. This kind of genius takes time," Fulton said, emphatically stabbing his quill into the paper. "Chill out, man. I am from future. See time machine?" Markov pointed to the dirt road behind them and the Philadelphia Flyer's time machine, which was sitting on its side in a ditch. "I come to see your machine." "The future? Have you come to see me invent the steamship?" Fulton said eagerly. "Not invent. How do you say person who make popular?" Markov replied. "Popularizer?" "Yes, that is what you are with this machine." "My steamship?" Fulton asked, pointing to his drawings. "Yes." "Hmm, that's interesting. I don't invent the steamship. I just popularize it. How about that?" Fulton inhaled and exhaled deeply, taking the good air in and letting the bad air out. Beginning to draw again, he paused, and then smashed at the paper with his quill pen, until finally it snapped, the feather going one way, the nib the other. "Chill out, dude." Markov suggested. "Does everybody speak like you in the future?" Fulton snapped. "Yes, everybody Russian in future," Markov said seriously. Fulton turned away and stared at a floating branch as it made its slow way down the Hudson. He turned back to Danny Markov. "Tell me something. Are steamboats everywhere in the future?" "No." "Is my steamship the basis of your time machine, perhaps?" Fulton asked. "No," Markov shrugged. "What you are telling me is this: I didn't invent the steamship, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. Wait ... is it possible that you are evil, sent from the future to kill me, and stop me from inventing the steamship?" "No, I just watch, man," Markov said, pointing to his own eyes. "So, pretty much you have come from the future to tell me the last decade of my life has been a complete waste of time," summed up Fulton. "I do not know, what else you been doing?" Markov asked. "Well, that's just fantastic! And when I say fantastic, I mean terrible." Fulton threw his tri-cornered hat to the ground, stamped on it with both feet, kicked it away from himself, chased after it to kick it again, and slipped in the grass. Getting to his feet, Fulton roared impotently as he tried to rip his silk vest off but only managed to loosen the buttons. Finally, he ran over to his work. "I'm not going to need these anymore, am I?" Fulton yelled, as he threw his easel and all of his drawings into the Hudson. Wading in after them, he thrashed at the drawings and kicked the easel repeatedly. "Kick again," called Danny Markov from the shore. "I think might still be alive." Fulton beat his arms against the water and wailed. Markov called to him. "Come out from water. Why be wet plus not inventor?" Fulton finally dragged himself and his sodden clothes from the river, crawled up the bank, lay on his stomach, with his face pressed firmly into the grass, and moaned. Danny Markov watched for a moment before sighing heavily, "OK, man, I lie. I am robut come to kill you." Fulton turned his head to the side. "Robut?" "Mechanical man from future. I am here to kill you, if cold water does not." "I knew it." Fulton sprang to his feet and shook the water from his long, puffy sleeves. He pointed at Markov and then his own head. "I knew it." "Yes, too smart for mechanical man." Fulton pointed at Markov and declared, "You can't stop me, future man. I'm going to invent the steamship and I'm going to make history." And Fulton ran, he ran through bushes that terribly mussed his hair, he ran through brambles that tore at his finery, he ran through places where the rabbits wouldn't go. And when he finally stopped running, and bought another easel and feathery pen, he kept his promise to Danny Markov, and he invented the steamboat. Which would have been impressive, if James Fitch had not invented it 17 years earlier. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Three By Dave JohnstonIt's a Lucky Thing for Stem-Cell Research That the Following Passages Aren't in the Bible By David Ng E-mail Shorthand That Civil War Soldiers Would Likely Have Used in Letters Home Had the Technology Been Available to Them By Rob Eccles Rejection Letters From Xavier's School of Exceptional Youth By Jon Fitch For Friday, Some Lists |
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