In Regard to
Surviving in a World
With James Caan.
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Do not underestimate the dangers of living on the same planet as highly regarded actor James Caan. In all seriousness, do not so much as look at that impossibly broad-shouldered, 65-year-old Honeymoon in Vegas star the wrong way. He will rip you in half. He will tear you limb from limb. He will do all of this without so much as a second thought or even breaking a sweat.
Do not make unnecessary eye contact with James Caan. Any and all glances, much less stares, at the Rollerball star should be avoided at all costs. For your sake. James Caan is more than some mere tough-guy actor. Much like his character in The Killer Elite, he can take down ninjas. NINJAS. Imagine what he could do to you if you got on his bad side.
Do not mistake James Caan for a sweet fella with a gruff exterior. Though he was family- friendly as Will Ferrell's biological father in Elf, James Caan is, in reality, not family-friendly in the slightest. James Caan is an actor. He was acting golden-hearted. Truthfully, he is exactly as he appears: a square-jawed ball of calm, seething, below-the-surface rage. There is no heart of gold inside his barrel-chested manly ... uh ... chest.
Do not tell scary ghost stories to your children about James Caan. The Godfather star is not a ghost and very much resents being included in such stories. He is a different kind of scary altogether. He is the kind of scary that will pound you with cinderblocklike fists of steady anger. This applies even to those who don't currently have children to tell ghost stories to, as you may one day, and James Caan is prone to pre-emptive strikes.
Do not use James Caan's name in vain. Do not even THINK it. In fact, do not think any bad or derogatory thoughts about James Caan, because, in addition to being a thick-necked locomotive of a man, the star of the hit television series Las Vegas, while not a full-fledged telepath, is at the very least mildly psychic. He can sense when ill will is directed his way. And he will respond in kind. It is said he who thinks poorly of the Bottle Rocket star shall, without warning, have his ass handed to him. Literally.
If you happen to cross paths with James Caan, be aware that he may attack even if not provoked. Unfortunately there's just no getting around that. Your life is in his mighty hands, and odds are he'll decide your ultimate fate on a whim, depending on things as seemingly inconsequential as what he had for breakfast, the direction of the wind, even the color of your shoes. However, if you follow these instructions, you will at least have a chance, slim as it may be.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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