Making Reruns
of Television Sitcoms
More Exciting by Adding a Weapon.
BY DAN KENNEDY
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Seinfeld, "The Truth About Taxes"
George's relationship with a former IRS worker may ease Jerry's tax-audit worries—until things go all wrong between them. Elaine sees far too much of Kramer, since he's dating her roommate; in return, he sees far too much of Elaine when he walks in on her getting dressed. George tries to get Jerry's tax records back after breaking things off with the former IRS worker, not knowing that she carries a knife, and he is stabbed in the thigh.
Alf, "Aliens Can't Go to the Mall!"
In an effort to curb Alf's budding interest in a visit to the local shopping mall, Willie holds a family meeting in the living room to set up some new rules. But Alf is not at all charmed by the idea of not being able to enjoy the earthly pleasure of shopping, so he steals a rifle that once belonged to Willie's grandfather, shoots and misses at Lucky the cat and Willie's visiting brother, Neal, and makes a getaway in the family station wagon. Alf is later found holed up in an old motel on Aurora Boulevard with the rifle and more cookies than any furry alien could ever eat in one sitting, thanks to his newfound freedom to shop.
Everybody Loves Raymond, "Look, Don't Touch"
Nemo's niece, Angelina, takes employment at Nemo's as a waitress. Ray has a lot of explaining to do to Debra when he is caught hiding a handgun in an oily rag and putting it under his car seat. Ray accidentally leaves his wallet at Nemo's, so Angelina calls him at home to let him know she found it, but Debra answers the phone instead of Ray, curious to see if the person on the phone might be a threat to her family. When the situation is hilariously blown out of proportion by the Barone family, Debra decides to get a gun of her own, "in case somebody ever tries to break in."
Friends, "Rachel Finds Out"
Joey participates in a fertility study, but things get difficult when he has to avoid intimacy with Melanie, his new girlfriend. The gang has a birthday barbecue for Rachel, but Ross only shows up long enough to drop off her birthday present and announce he's going to China to buy something called a seven-point sword, a rare type of Chinese throwing star that was used as a deadly weapon in the days of warring states and feudal lords. Chandler and Ross secretly arrange for an underground dealer of rare Chinese weapons and torture devices to meet Ross in Shanghai in hopes of Ross being able to also purchase something called a Din Tektu Iron Talon. This weapon uses the tips of heat-forged iron nails and an iron brush to pierce and tear at crucial deadly acupuncture points on the enemy's body, intending not only to take his skin from his skeleton, but also to exact everything from cancers to dementia, as well as to lay waste to the enemy's spirit in the afterlife. Later, while Rachel opens her presents at the barbecue, Chandler lets slip that Ross has become secretly infatuated with a rare form of deadly Chinese personal defense called "Gon Chak" or "Death's Kiss." Gon Chak's grisly techniques and weapons (the Din Tek Tu Iron Talon is one of them) sparked ethical concern even among China's most violent warlords and criminals, leading to its being permanently banned from the martial arts in the 18th century. It would be rare for a Westerner to ever see a Gon Chak weapon, let alone lay hands on one. If Ross is actually able to purchase a Din Tek Tu Iron Talon, it would make him one of the most highly revered collectors of arms in the United States literally overnight. The catch: Ross may not know it, but by undertaking a journey to China to purchase Gon Chak weaponry, he is putting himself in the path of certain danger, not to mention an age-old curse that has claimed many before him. Rachel goes to the airport to catch Ross before he leaves and tell him that she heard the news from Chandler and wants to talk with him because she has similar feelings. Unfortunately for her, Ross has already left on what may be both a first and final journey down the bloody path of a passion few will ever understand in him. Joey finally lets the cat out of the bag about his fertility test with Melanie, who was starting to suspect he was gay.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Making Reruns of Television Sitcoms More Exciting by Adding a Weapon By Dan Kennedy
The Five People You Meet in Hell By Litsa Dremousis
In Regard to Surviving in a World With James Caan By D.J. Kirkbride
"Rockin' It, Frat-Party Style!": A Short Story Geared to College Students, Written by a 30-Something Author By Mike Sacks
The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Three By Dave Johnston
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