Welcome to Cancún!BY TEDDY WAYNE- - - - All right, Spring Breakers, are you ready to party? I said, are you ready to party? What's that? I can't hear you! No, I'm serious—I lost 90 percent of my hearing in my left ear from a childhood accident (locker room, Q-tip) and am not sure if your cheering was suitably loud for the occasion. Just kidding! Ha! That's what we call a little Cancún humor. You'll get used it after a few days, just like you'll get used to the awkwardness of daylight encounters with the other college students you had drunken casual sex with the previous night. Wuzzup! I said, wuzzup! That's better. Tonight at 10, just like every Wednesday at Señor Joey's, we've got a special treat for you, and it's gonna be all over the dance floor. One word, four letters, starts with "f," the next letter is a vowel, and the last letter is a consonant. F-O-A-M! Bet you thought from my clues it was going to be an Anglo-Saxon word for fornication, huh? But trust me, foam is even better than that other word, since while that other word can imply fornication, it can also be a curse uttered out of anger or disappointment. Foam, on the other hand, always produces good feelings! Unless it's in a glass of beer and you got cheated out of extra beer. Not that our bartenders ever do that! They can't—we only serve bottles here. But even if we served glasses, they still wouldn't. Seriously. Ha ha! When the clock strikes 10—that's 22 to our fellow-Euro-trashers, ha, kidding again, Euro-partiers—this dance floor will be inundated with 50,000 cubic feet of medium-grade-density rainbow foam for your grinding pleasure while DJ Cuervo spins his magic. And what happens in the foam stays in the foam! One quick amendment: Conventional rules and laws concerning sexual harassment still apply. Ladies, if something untoward happens to you in the foam, you are permitted to convey that information to authorities outside of the foam. Ohio State offensive line, we're looking in your direction. Another amendment: As you may have read in our pamphlet, our dance floor contains 10,000 square feet of pounding techno and Euro-beat action. Therefore, anyone with an elementary-school education should have picked up on the fact that 50,000 cubic feet means the foam will be 5 feet high. So, people shorter than 5 feet are advised to leave. Sorry, no refunds. On that note, please: Do not eat the foam. Friends may have told you that if you do so it will give you an awesome buzz, but they probably have not told you it contains a chemical that, when consumed in enough quantity, may cause appendicitis. Fortunately, I got my appendix out, and can personally vouch that the foam does, indeed, give you a wicked buzz. By remaining in the club until 9:59 p.m. you relinquish your rights to sue Señor Joey's for medical treatment and expenses you may incur from the consumption of or exposure to the foam, including for any and all rashes and liver malfunctions. At some point during the night, one of our hottie Mayan Mamas will dress as General Andréas Quintana Roo, for whom our lovely state is named, and perform atop a pedestal for three minutes the ancient ritualistic dance of the serpent for the serpent god, Culculcan, as depicted in codices. When she has finished and properly expressed gratitude for Culculcan's healing and regenerative powers in absolute silence, a high-pitched siren will wail three times, indicating 3-for-1 mixed-drink specials for the next 15 minutes. Note that shots count. That about covers it, you wild, crazy, freewheeling, irresponsible, problem-drinking, extravagantly-spending-Daddy's-money, about-to-be-infected-with-numerous-STDs jackasses! Just kidding! You guys are wicked awesome, and in no way do I resent having to cheerlead for you in this fashion that demeans my Mexican-history Ph.D. when I should be back in the States delivering a lecture on the Aztecs! Let's just say some people make bad life choices, especially at internationally attended history conferences while under the influence, and they have to live with them! OK, DJ Cuervo's just kicked in the first phat jam, which means: Heads up, here comes the foam! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Welcome to Cancún! By Teddy WayneToday, Some Lists Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking By Jason Lathrop Making Reruns of Television Sitcoms More Exciting by Adding a Weapon By Dan Kennedy The Five People You Meet in Hell By Litsa Dremousis |
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