WHAT I HOPE
PEOPLE ARE SAYING
ABOUT MY HAIR AT
ROCK CONCERTS.
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I like the way he does that thing with the palm of his hand. You know, when he kind of sweeps it off his brow and then tucks it behind his ear? Then he really gets into the
music, 'cause he can hear better. It makes sense, and I like him for it.
I wonder how he was able to get it to hang like that. Like, right off his scalp? When he tilts his head, it kind of just floats. And then he kind of tilts it back again, and does that neck-jerk thing, and it's swaying to and fro, to and fro ... That's probably what I admire most about him. About his hair, I mean.
Were you there that time when he was shaking it really hard, right with the drummer? He was getting so into that one song, and you could really tell because he was shedding
all over the room. That's what really proved to the rest of us that he was secure and didn't care what anybody thought. He was digging the music, and he wasn't afraid to show it.
I think that takes guts.
I'm not even sure if he has any eyes or ears. That's because when he combs it all down, all you can see is this big black mass, his expanding nostrils, and his pouting red lips. They all complement each other really well. It's as if the pouting lips and the expanding nostrils are added proof that he's not messing around. That he's definitely the real thing.
Once, he tossed it back really far. I mean, it almost hit me in the face! But he was really nice about it. He looked over his shoulder and gave me an upward nod—as if to say, "Are you OK ... or whatever?" He turned around before I could say anything ('cause he needed to pay attention to the next song). But I noticed, the next time he did a back-toss, he took a step forward first. Pretty considerate, I'd say. And pretty cool!
Have you ever touched it when it's wet? My God! I heard he uses some kind of European spray that you can only get mail-order from Prague or something. It's the best shit out there, and he refuses to share it with anyone. What an asshole. What an incredibly cool asshole ...
Some people say it's a wig. Other people say he uses Rogaine. I just don't believe he'd do something like that. I've known him since he was bald. Right now, he's just grateful he has anything at all. And we should all be happy for him.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
What I Hope People Are Saying About My Hair at Rock Concerts By Hari Raghavan
A Book of Conversations Between Writers
Ten Reasons Why You, Audrey Tautou, Gamine French Star of Amélie, Should Date Me, Teddy Wayne By Teddy Wayne
Giant Squid Takes Us Weekly to Task By Greg Ruehlmann
Selections From Books Removed From My Small Canadian University's Library Collection That, While Entertaining, Were No Longer Considered Relevant to the Undergraduate Curriculum By G. Camper
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