SNAPPY DRESSING,
THE PAPAL WAY.
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With an eye, as always, toward the concerns of the papacy, McSweeney's has released How to Dress for Every Occasion, by the Pope. This is the Bishop of Rome's first work focused solely on clothing, and we expect it to resolve several long-standing theological controversies. Beyond dogma, the book offers infallible counsel to the uncertain everyman, who is probably dressing wrong. It's also 25 percent off in our store, all week. Here, an excerpt.
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OK, you're saying, "I'm ready, the Pope! Tell me everything!!!" Well, hold on!! You can't just wake up one morning and be a better dresser for every occasion. A journey begins with a million steps, and the first step is the step I like to call "The Basics." In this chapter we'll learn all the Basics of dressing so we can know what we're talking about!!! (In the other chapters.)
THE HAT
First off, get a big hat. If you're going to dress well from head to toe, WHY NOT START WITH THE HEAD??? A big hat on your head says to everybody, "Guess who's in charge?" I'll give you a hint: It's you if you're wearing an impressive hat. Hats come in all sorts of shapes but this shape is the best. Hats keep you hot in winter and shady during the summer due to the unique fabric. I get my hats personally from a catalog but don't be shy—shop around!!!
A ROBE
OK, let's not make jokes—you know we're not talking about the bathrobes you already own!! Bathrobes make you look sloppy—like you don't care enough to put on anything special, just an ordinary bathrobe. The shinier the fabric the more of an impression you will make each and every time you wear the robe. The adjective in your head when you look at the robe should be: "regal." Regal or Royal is not just who you are if you're in a very important position—it's the outfit you have on. And the robe is very key.
Note also the stitching. There should be fancy patterns and particularly beadwork. Let's face it—hand-stitching is the best!! But of course many people can't afford it and they can't find it either. Quite frankly, the answer is: Save up. Because a cheap robe is just going to look like a cheap robe, and it will change the "mental adjective" to: "cheapie."
OK, on to the next thing.
A NICE TUNIC
Now, this is something that's a little more understated than the other Basics so far. The reason is: it goes underneath the robe and really only "peeks out," so if price is a concern (and who isn't thinking about that these days!!) it's A-OK to have a slightly cheaper tunic with just simple stitching. Of course, the tunic isn't invisible—lots of people are going to see it, sooner or later, no matter what! So personally I like the ones with some stitching on them. It can be a design or whatever—nothing tacky like "Go Knicks!" or even a monogram because that just confuses people and distracts them from the issue. Short sleeves or long sleeves is your choice but personally (ATTENTION!!! PERSONAL OPINION COMING UP!!!) I like long sleeves in the winter and short in the summer because of the weather.
Got it? OK, let's move on to ...
A SCEPTER STAFF OR STICK
I can almost hear what you're saying in my head: "Your Worship, is one of those big jewelled sticks really part of the outfit? It's more like a prop, am I right?" Are you right? NO! I don't mean to be bossy, but think about it: if you're always carrying a stick, people are going to automatically "assume" that it's part of the impression you are trying to give. Yes, it can be a pain to carry around sometimes. Yes, it comes in different sizes. Yes, it probably should be jewelled, and you'd be surprised at the number of people who know whether it's a real jewel or some fake thing you got at one of those stores. (Again: the word "cheapie.")
Now, I know I'm going to get a lot of crap for this, but I gotta say, for antiques like scepter sticks, Italy is the best. There's something about an ancient civilization that can produce such VERY BEAUTIFUL items. If you want a scepter staff, or any kind of big stick, whether it has a curve on top (I like that!!) or just regular (that's OK too!!) the word quality is spelled I-T-A-L-Y. Have your attendants look in all of the best Italian stores and museums. Choose carefully but not too carefully—you don't want to waste your life shopping for the scepter staff. And don't forget to say "thank you."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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