RESPONSES
IN AN INTERVIEW
FOR A NANNY POSITION
THAT WILL ALMOST
CERTAINLY SINK YOUR
CHANCES OF GETTING
THE JOB.
- - - -
"Drawback? Hardly. Bipolar disorder is like getting two nannies for the price of one."
- - - -
"Yes, of course, teaching proper conflict-avoidance and resolution techniques is imperative to any proper upbringing and is of foremost importance in my approach. My own personal method? Well, certain studies have found—huh? No, I don't remember their names. Certain studies have found that long afternoons in front of the television watching People's Court more than accomplishes these goals. I mean, you saw last Friday's show, right? That skank Tanya is such a liar. She knows her roommate
Nancy would never have intentionally left that aromatherapy candle burning on her dinette set had there been any risk of charring. And that receipt didn't prove jack."
- - - -
"I think bilingual education can never start early enough. A young child's mind is like a sponge. So recreational time will be conducted in both English and Klingon."
- - - -
"I personally favor the French view that it is a mark of cultural sophistication for young children to imbibe wine. And I hate to drink alone."
- - - -
"Look, I don't want to quibble over this. Take my word, narcolepsy is fully protected by the ADA. Besides, I highly doubt other nannies could provide similar spontaneous opportunities for your child to apply real-life survival tactics."
- - - -
"Six kids? Oh, not at all. I prefer large families. That was the problem with my last family, the Jenkinses. They only had three kids. Yeah, we barely cleared 50 bucks a day. Apparently, most subway riders are turned off when parts have to be repeated. And, frankly, no one was buying Tiffany Jenkins as both Liesl and Gretl von Trapp. Man, what a disappointment that one was. Any fool would know it's 'auf Wiedersehen, goodnight,' not 'off easy days, goodnight.' We worked on it for hours and she still butchered it. Oh, on that note, how many of yours are blonds?"
- - - -
"I completely agree. Exposure to a variety of cultures is very important. And that's why I'm a fan of the OTB. It's diverse, but never in that pretentious, look-at-me kind of way."
- - - -
"I've explained this several times. The shaking was part of the game. The telling was not."
- - - -
"At-home productions of classical theater are really a trademark of mine. I firmly believe every child should be exposed to the genius of Shakespeare. Which, of course, made that incident with the Moore family just so unfortunate. Well, between you and me, I think the Moores are just a little slow, if you know what I mean. Everyone knows that boys played the girl roles in traditional Elizabethan theater. And, oh, the cheekbones on little Bobby Moore. A stunning Juliet, really."
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Responses in an Interview for a Nanny Position That Will Almost Certainly Sink Your Chances of Getting the Job By Jay Dyckman
Now I Question Everything
Don't Read This or You Might Get Poked in the Eye With a Dagger By Darby Larson
Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide By Pasha Malla
Alternate Endings to Famous Literary Works as Written by a 15-Year-Old With a Grudge By Paul Krumholz
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