REFRESHINGLY CANDID,
YET ADMITTEDLY LESS
TRADITIONAL, PET NOTES
THAT MY NEIGHBORHOOD
ANIMAL-ADOPTION
CENTER WOULD
PROBABLY FIND TO BE
MORE EFFECTIVE:
A COMPARISON.
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Hootie
MALE BULLMASTIFF
Current: My name is Hootie and I am hoping that you are that extra special someone who can provide a loving home for me. I love to run, jump, and play. I am quite sturdy and very dependable. Sometimes I play a little rough and may need some reminders about what is good behavior. I am very smart and pick up tricks quickly. Let's make a home together.
Suggested: They call me Hootie here at the center, but on the street I go by Psycho. I love to run, jump, and kick ass. Finding life a little rough on the playground? Hey, being 12 ain't easy. Oh, sure, you could take karate lessons. But it will take, like, two, maybe three, years to make a difference. You got that kind of time? Didn't think so. But me? I'm Bruce Lee on a leash and I'm ready to let these paws of fury fly. So let's go pay a visit to that jerk Billy Thompson and find out "Who's gay now, bitch?" Let's do this.
Annie
FEMALE DOMESTIC SHORTHAIR TABBY
Current: My name is Annie and I have had a bit of a rough time recently. After being in a home for over seven years, I was abandoned. I don't understand why and I really need someone who will love me and help me to trust again. I'm a sweet cat and will make the perfect companion for someone who can love me as much as I love her. Could that be you? I sure hope so!
Suggested: Look, I know the deal. You weren't supposed to end up 37, single, and stuck in a midlevel management career, were you? And he hasn't left his wife yet, has he? No, he hasn't. Well, shit happens. Trust me, I know about heartache. My loving owners "forgot" me in a Kmart parking lot. But I'll be here for you. Let's learn to trust again, together. I'll grab my catnip. Where are we parked?
Rocky
MALE CALICO
Current: My name is Rocky and I was abandoned here at the center. I'm 10 years old and looking for a nice home to live out my golden years. Please come down and say hello. Until you come, I'll be waiting here. Full disclosure: I have a hyperthyroid and am blind in one eye. Hasn't slowed me down, though, and I'm sure it's something
you can handle.
Suggested: Let's get real honest. If I don't come home with you, I'm taking a one-way trip on the needle express. And all those touchy-feely posters out front describing the center's painless euthanasia procedure? Says who? We can't talk, you know. It's your call.
Chester
MALE SHEPHERD MIX
Current: My name is Chester and I really am a sweet dog. I would love it if someone could take me home and spoil me rotten. I love playing ball and never turn down a good belly rub. I know sit, stay, lie down, heel, and I can give a high-five. And I love kids.
Suggested: The nameplate says Chester, but you can just call me the answer to all your problems. Been on the road a lot? Haven't been able to spend much time with the kids? I know the signs. Well, you've got two options: me or a pony. And, come on, can you really afford a pony?
Fluffy
FEMALE POMERANIAN
Current: Hi!! I'm Fluffy. I'm 7 years young and have boundless energy. I'm EXTREMELY playful and am always happy. Throw me a ball and I'll bounce it around like a soccer player. I bark but only when excited and/or playing. I'm trained to go on a wee-wee pad, and also to do my business outside while out for a walk. Whoever adopts me is getting the best of the bunch!
Suggested: Fluffy here and I'm the little spitfire you've been looking for. You see, to me it's all about teamwork. Take me home and let those jerkoff neighbors in 3C know, "I'll see your colicky newborn and raise you a socially maladjusted Pomeranian." And, hey, maybe their welcome mat—you know, that stupid one with the happy face on it—becomes my new wee-wee pad. Ready when you are, partner.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Refreshingly Candid, Yet Admittedly Less Traditional, Pet Notes That My Neighborhood Animal-Adoption Center Would Probably Find to Be More Effective: A Comparison By Jay Dyckman
A Letter to Elton John From the Office of the NASA Administrator By John Moe
When Cops Bomb By Dan Kennedy
Kids' Letters From Terrorist Camp By Bob Woodwiss
Issue 18 Approaches, Preceded by an Urgent Warning
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