- - - -
Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
- - - -
SHED CAMP.BY DAVID JASPER- - - - Good morning, campers. Welcome to Camp Craftworks Shed and Storage Manufacturing. I'm Wayne Russell, camp owner and activities director. This is our third year running the shed camp. So far, it's been a real adventure. As you'll learn during the next six weeks of making friends and assembling durable, high-quality sheds for garden or home, this is a great place to learn valuable life skills. While you're at it, you'll also learn your way around a circular saw and other tools of the trade. I say "trade" because, for many of you, this type of work is undoubtedly in your future. Might as well get used to it. Here, we hammer home the finer points of woodworking, and at the same time install—instill—working windows in the heart, much like the sturdy Plexiglas windows we put in each of our sheds. We don't skimp, even if we are paying your parents $25 a head per week. You CITs and returning campers will be excited to know we have plans to build some more of our prefab detached garages. Unfortunately, we've decided to put on hold those lean-to carports we were tinkering with last year. We cut the program short last summer when little Greggy Parcell was hit in the head and killed with a two-by that seemed to fall from heaven, except for a 16-penny nail sticking out of it. Some of you probably remember that, one of you better than the others. Yes, I'm looking at you, Danny Wilson. Remember: Safety comes first around here. I shouldn't have to say it more than this once, but some of you will no doubt get cocky, what with the safety guards on our circular saws and the tinted plastic goggles we got new this year. There are never accidents in construction, just carelessness, unskilled labor, and hangovers. I can't stress this enough. I know some of you younger kids are probably still pissing in your PJs over the sleeping arrangements, but bear in mind traffic on the interstate was a little louder than usual because of a ball game last night at the stadium. It's usually much quieter, except for the 18-wheelers roaring by all night. Even the most dedicated whiners among you can't complain about the natural weather break the overpass affords from sun and rain. However, if you hear what sounds like a lot of horns honking and screeching brakes followed by metal-on-metal crunching and a sudden, eerie silence, seek cover immediately. There's a working pay phone at the gas station down the way a bit should any of you want to call home. While in transit, be wary of the panhandling "tweakers," or crystal-meth abusers, who may accost you. They can be aggressive, especially the ones who used to work here before we became "Camp" Craftworks. After they lost their jobs to you kids, many of them turned to harder drugs. Should anyone offer you a sample of their product, you can bring it back here to camp and turn it over to me, no questions asked. Now, nail guns. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: No playing around with those, not even pretend! The only other danger I can think of off the top of my head is that posed to asthmatics by the fumes from epoxies and finishes. You can buy a painter's mask, which we sell for a buck a pop, but when you throw in all the carbon monoxide from the highway, what's the point? Asthmatics should definitely consider hiking up the hem of their skirts and running on home about now. All except you, Jeff Bailey. Your folks specified their trip to France was not to be interrupted unless you die. I made them a promise, and I aim to keep it. So let's all have a great summer here at Camp Craftworks Shed and Storage! Just keep your hardhat on at all times you're in the work area, which is all of the camp except the bathrooms and the vending hall/first-aid hut. And listen to me and my foreman, Mr. Killer, and you will most definitely leave here only slightly worse for the wear. At the end of the summer, you'll have something tangible to show for your hard work: Pictures of all the sheds we've built. And probably a few blackened thumbnails. It's do or die time, campers! We've got an order for 50 sheds that needs filling by the end of the week. Let's each do our part and try not to lose our heads or any fingers in the process. Grab your tool belts and follow me. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Shed Camp By David JasperRefreshingly Candid, Yet Admittedly Less Traditional, Pet Notes That My Neighborhood Animal-Adoption Center Would Probably Find to Be More Effective: A Comparison By Jay Dyckman A Letter to Elton John From the Office of the NASA Administrator By John Moe When Cops Bomb By Dan Kennedy Kids' Letters From Terrorist Camp By Bob Woodwiss |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.