TAKING YOUR WILD BOAR
TO GIANTS STADIUM.
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Getting In
You're not a terrorist! No! You're just a fan, a fan who, like millions of others, wants to take your adorable pet wild boar to his first Giants game at the Meadowlands. But all the added NFL security this year isn't making it any easier to do. Never fear—follow any of these four sure-fire methods for safe boar entry:
1. Shave your pet boar and then sew a white lace snugly through his spinal column. This should convince people that he's a football.
2. Bring some Frisbees in addition to the boar. If no one believes you're part of the halftime show, explain that this is your seeing-eye boar. If some wise guy points out you're not blind, take a smoke bomb from your pocket, ignite it, and vanish in the fog.
3. Tell them the boar's for your diabetes. People never bother you when you say something's for your diabetes.
4. Train the boar to speak and to properly handle a football. At the security checkpoint, prompt him to spin a pigskin on his dainty hoof. Then, when security raises an eyebrow, have him clear his throat and say, "I look forward to this football match, father!" Introduce him as your eldest son, Tusk-Head.
Finding Your Seats
Once you're in, lead the boar on a leash to your section. To avoid trouble, gently place the boar on his seat and then try to conceal him under your Giants jacket as much as possible without obscuring his view. Boars have notoriously poor eyesight, so plan ahead and order seats close to the field. Or, if you can't afford the $500 tickets, bring a pair of binoculars. Cheapskate.
Some nearby fans may notice the loud, persistent snorting noises coming from your jacket, or may spot the animal when he escapes from you to prance gaily about under the seats. Prepare yourself for the inevitable jeers of "Keep that boar at home!" and "Hey, buddy, your wild boar just defecated all over the stairwell!" Cup his ears if anybody uses profanity; the wild boar, much like Vice President Dick Cheney, is a sensitive creature, despite its hideous, menacing appearance.
Game Watch
Your pet will no doubt have questions about the epic battle of strength and wits we call American football. As a species not indigenous to North America, wild boars are accustomed to a different sport called football on other continents. Known in the U.S. as
"soccer," this inferior game is primarily played by sickly weaklings who were born without any arms. Don't feel bad that you've never heard of it.
Clarify the rules of engagement to your confused porcine pal as you go. Boars, fortunately, are fast learners.
Halftime
To be honest, your boar isn't interested in seeing Morristown High School's marching band perform Fleetwood Mac tunes. As much as you want to hear "You Make Loving Fun," find something else to do. Walk him around the stadium. He'll need to do his business, and he'd love to roll around in a thicket, or perhaps a mud pit, for a little quality
wallowing before kickoff. If they have those things at the stadium.
The Second Half
As the second half gets under way, the score might get out of hand. And, as you pound back your eighth beer, the brilliant idea will occur to you to release the wild boar onto the field at game's end. Don't be ridiculous! You should do it immediately, while on-field security is porous. Drop the boar from a safe height, and do so in a spot that will provide it with an easy, straight trajectory toward the huddle. It will be interesting to see whether the boar can get close enough to gore All-Pro wide receiver Chad Johnson before it is tranquilized.
The Drunk Tank
You didn't realize it, but there is, in fact, a place where stadium officials can detain inebriated fans in attendance. The drunk tank is a sometimes quiet place. Today it's just you and the boar. Coincidentally, there's also a place where county officials can detain people who sneak a wild boar into Giants Stadium. This place is called prison, and you will be heading there shortly.
Thankfully, wild boars have very few natural predators. While you are locked up, the likelihood your pet will be eaten is very small. More likely than not, when you get home, he'll be there, wiggling his tail, covered in filth, and eager to watch his new favorite team, the New York Giants! And that, as they say in football, is a definite "touchdown."
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Taking Your Wild Boar to Giants Stadium By Greg Ruehlmann
In the Belly of the Whale By Nathan Bell
Death-Metal-Publicist Birth Announcement By Joe Chellino
Listen, Kid, the Biggest Thing You've Got Going for You Is Your Rack By Ellie Kemper
Shed Camp By David Jasper
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