Stories
Ending With
"Long Story Short"
That Could Actually
Use Some Elaboration.
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You know that intersection on Campbell Station Road and Kingston Pike? On top of that hill? Well, I was driving last night, and it was raining pretty bad, and when I stopped for the red light the car behind me didn't notice that I was slowing down ... so, long story
short, you and I have to report for basic training tomorrow morning.
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I had to substitute-teach a class yesterday, but I had no idea where the kids were on the lesson plan, so I thought I'd just make it easy and have a "discussion day." But it became really obvious right away that the kids hadn't done any of the reading, because none of them were talking. And I knew they hadn't done the reading, but I hadn't done it, either, so I couldn't make a big deal out of it ... so, long story short, I have 13 tons of smoked ham in my car and not a clue what to do with it.
- - - -
Bill and I went to a bar last night, right? And while we're there, this really drunk guy walks up and starts getting in Bill's face. And I'm pretty tipsy by this point, too, way more than Bill, so I tell the guy to back off. Bill's all quiet and telling me not make a big deal
about it, but I'm like, No, that's not cool. Then the bouncer comes over, and it turns out he's the guy's frat brother ... so, long story short, Condoleezza Rice is now the leading scorer on my fantasy football team.
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So, earlier today, I went to get some lunch at Quizno's, but on the way I ran into Emily, who was going to Burger King instead, so we thought we might as well go to lunch together ... so, long story short, two plus two doesn't equal four anymore.
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I had to take off work yesterday because I was feeling kind of sick. But halfway through the day I felt a lot better, so I thought I'd go catch a movie, since I hadn't been to one in a while. So I get over to the theater down on Morrell Road, and guess who I see at the ticket counter? My boss. So I try to sneak away, but I accidentally bump into a little kid, and he starts crying real loud ... so, long story short, we have to pay the state income tax in euros this year.
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You remember Allison Hale? From med school? I had coffee with her the other day. Did you know she quit her residency? Yeah, she just decided that she'd rather work for Doctors Without Borders. We got together and just chatted for a while, and then tried to call you and see if you wanted to come hang out. But your cell phone wasn't working, and it was getting kinda late ... so, long story short, your girlfriend is now my girlfriend, and vice versa.
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I was at the mall yesterday trying to find a birthday gift for my mom, but she's really tough to shop for. I was thinking she might like some perfume, but I'm not really knowledgeable about that stuff, so I didn't trust myself to get a good kind. So I thought I'd just get a gift certificate for her, but the line was really long at the customer-service desk, and I was in a hurry ... so, long story short, Don Cheadle is waiting for you out in the parking lot, and he looks really pissed.
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I was up late last night working on a paper for class, but around midnight I dozed off for an hour or two in my chair. When I woke up, my neck hurt really bad, so I went down the hall to see if Sarah had any painkillers. She didn't, so I went to the 7-Eleven down the
street, but they weren't open that late at night ... so, long story short, RUN!
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Stories Ending With "Long Story Short" That Could Actually Use Some Elaboration By Zhubin Parang
Taking Your Wild Boar to Giants Stadium By Greg Ruehlmann
In the Belly of the Whale By Nathan Bell
Death-Metal-Publicist Birth Announcement By Joe Chellino
Listen, Kid, the Biggest Thing You've Got Going for You Is Your Rack By Ellie Kemper
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