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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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LOBSTER BOY'S FIFTH-GRADE REPORT CARD. BY GREG RUEHLMANN - - - - Math (Ms. Helmann) Grade: A- A pleasure to have in class. Particularly excels at long division. Great work, Lobster Boy! Spelling (Mr. Roberts) Grade: Incomplete So far Lobster Boy has only been able to spell one word: "Gleeerkggh," or something to that effect, which appears to be a call he uses to alert other lobsters of approaching predators. A bit of a daydreaming problem. Art (Mrs. O'Neill) Grade: C+ Lobster Boy's large unwieldy claws tend to prohibit full participation (during 3-D sketching, for example). Can be very sweet, but often frightens his classmates when he jettisons waste matter (cry for attention?). He is using his active listening skills, and we continue to work with him. Social Studies (Mr. Russeau) Grade: B/B+ (Missing homework assignment brings it down slightly!!) Has really gotten into our studies of ancient Greece and Rome. Turned in a very good Egyptian-gods-and-goddesses card game! Sometimes has difficulty following directions, perhaps due to being a lobster. All in all, good work; Lobster Boy has the skills he needs to turn his dream of becoming an archaeologist into a reality. Science (Ms. Ivy) Grade: B Science project was a bit derivative, but was carried through successfully. Solid presentation. Lobster Boy needs to spend less time making clicking noises and nervously rotating antennae, which distracts his classmates. Quiz grades: 88, 97(!), 89, 76. English (Mr. Roberts) Grade: C- Does not work well with others. Lobster Boy has pinched all of his classmates at least six times. I caught him eating a paperback copy of Roald Dahl's The Twits (as you no doubt recall from the parent-teacher conference). Needs significant work. P.E. (Coach Morris) Grade: Check Plus Plus One of our finest athletes. By far the school's best swimmer. Also surprisingly adept at badminton. That Lobster Boy is one fancy cruuuust-a-ce-an! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Lobster Boy's Fifth-Grade Report Card By Greg Ruehlmann Do You Have an Aztec Problem? What Every Homeowner Should Know By Eric Silver I Don't Know What the Big Deal About Having a Baby Is By Wendy Molyneux Snappy Dressing, the Papal Way The iPod Zepto: Inconceivably Small By Jon Fitch

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL