HOW TO LOOK AND ACT
WHEN PARTICIPATING IN
ADVENTURE SPORTS.
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Rock Climbing
Walk up to the rock and brush your hand across it. Comment to your friends that the rock's "grain size" makes it "way easy." Regardless of your experience level, state that limestone is the best rock to climb on. Aggressively refute any responses, especially if they agree with you. If nobody responds, talk about "some idiot at the climbing shop" who preferred granite. Argue with yourself, using a whiny voice for the idiot, until a friend gets fed up and starts to cook lunch. Request grilled-cheese sandwiches.
Over lunch, brag about your previous near-death climbing experiences. If you have none, be creative. Mix in stories about carnivorous mammals for effect.
Remain calm before you start to climb. Be wary of indigestion, as grilled-cheese sandwiches are a notorious cause of cramp-related climbing deaths. Breathe slowly. If you become flustered, remember that fear is a sign of being a huge softy. Bury it.
Cross your legs as soon as you notice that you have wet your pants. "Accidentally" spill the contents of your water bottle onto your groin to mask the blunder. Laugh uncomfortably and make fun of yourself before your friends get the chance to. Then, during an awkward pause, weasel your way out of climbing. Speak in absolutes. Pretend to be protecting your friends: "I just don't want you rookies to hurt yourselves on this crappy granite." Cite any of the following reasons for why you should abandon the climb:
- Clouds moving in quickly
- Venomous snakes lurking in the cracks
- Deadly rashes that form on wet inner thighs
- A severe rock allergy
Skydiving
Skydiving, above all else, is a sport of rebellion. Its participants try to defy rules, society, and many other things that cannot actually be defied by jumping out of an airplane. Because of this rebellious nature, it attracts a unique group of people—communists. Before you go skydiving, become well versed in communist theory. Grow a mustache, if you can. Address everyone as "Comrade," including family members, pets, and ex-spouses. Call people on the street "flashy capitalist swine." Attend local Communist Party meetings and mingle with the other skydivers. After a few weeks, take them to a bar and order a round of cheap grain alcohol. Split the bill.
Once you have won their trust, you are ready to go skydiving. Make sure your jump suit is threadbare and has no bright colors. Like a red cape to a bull, bright objects make communists angry and unruly. Sickles and hammers will follow. Dedicate your jump to a fallen communist country. Or, alternatively, curse Adam Smith.
After landing safely, suggest that you go out for pizza. Order two large ham-and-mushroom pizzas. Avoid pineapple as a topping at all costs—such exotic foods are for flashy capitalist swine. Once everyone is full, divvy up the leftover pizza and pay in rubles. Communists love such rebellious behavior, especially in the context of pizza.
Big-Wave Surfing
Go to the video store and rent the widescreen version of Point Break. Sympathize with Keanu Reeves and comment on the many lifestyle conflicts between detective work and surfing. Suggest that Reeves's character points to the differences between "being" and "becoming" in the modern world. Then throw the DVD into the trash, where it belongs, and purchase a plane ticket to Honolulu.
While on the plane, review old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles scripts for guidance on how to use annoying slang like "gnarly" and "radical." Focus on Michelangelo during Season 2, paying special attention to his pizza addiction. Use these words whenever you interact with your steward or stewardess. Describe to them the quality of the in-flight meals with phrases like "bodacious pork sandwich." Pretend to be normal.
Once you arrive, check into a hotel and then head to the North Shore. Rent a surfboard, a wetsuit, and inflatable arm floaties from the local surf shop.
Before entering the water, be sure that your wetsuit is gray and makes you look like a shark. This will confuse the real sharks, as they hesitate to attack one of their own. By the time they figure out your trick, you will be riding a 40-foot wave to safety. If you fall off your surfboard, quickly swim to shore. The sharks, aggravated by your trickery, will be ready to strike.
Leave all shark-related wounds that you sustain untreated—this will maximize the scarring, giving you something super sweet to show off at parties. Memorize and rehearse shark-related pickup lines: "If I were a basking shark, you'd be my school of plankton." Make fun of Keanu Reeves for not having any similarly sweet shark scars.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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How to Look and Act When Participating in Adventure Sports By Robert Koenig
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