Lists,
By the Handful.
- - - -
WAYS IN WHICH SHE COULD HAVE
BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE.
By Jules Lipoff
She exposed me to excessive ultraviolet radiation, which gave me terrible cataracts.
She removed all traces of vitamin A from my diet.
She launched well-targeted projectiles at my eyes, causing severe trauma.
She poisoned me repeatedly with steroids, which over time caused the formation of a pituitary tumor that pressed against my optic chiasm severing my optic-nerve pathways.
She replaced my contact-lens solution with corrosive acid.
She unleashed upon me lab rats trained to preferentially eat eyes.
She, my ophthalmologist, botched my Lasik surgery.
She exacerbated my diabetes by replacing my insulin with Frappuccino, which led to retinal problems.
She put me under general anesthesia and surgically removed my eyes.
She altered my parents' germ-cell chromosomes before my conception so that I lack the proper genetic code to distinguish the colors red and green.
She calibrated a refraction experiment with her laser pointer that scorched my retinas.
- - - -
REVISED TITLES OF LOVE SONGS
I WROTE ABOUT THE SHITTY BOOKSHELF
I PURCHASED FROM WAL-MART
(IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER).
By George Wukoson
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (You Were Reasonably Cheap)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (Get Into My Car Please)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (As You Recline on My Apartment Floor)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (Take Off All That Cardboard!)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (Which One of These Is 'Right Panel [Piece D]'?)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (I Constructed You Myself)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (I Seem to Have Screwed Up)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (You Wobble)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (And the Right and Left Panels Are Incorrectly Placed)"
"Shitty Wal-Mart Bookshelf (You're All I Ever Need—Although I'll Clearly Have to Keep the Majority of My Books Underneath My Bed, in Sturdy Plastic Storage Containers)"
- - - -
FOUR WAYS
IN WHICH MY LIFE IS
JUST LIKE PAC-MAN'S.
By John Crownover
1. Ever-present wail of sirens
2. Relentlessly pursued by ghosts
3. Four special pills daily keep ghosts at bay
4. Occasionally eat some fruit
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Lists, By the Handful
NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear a Football Helmet Without Suffocating By Sarah Walter
Superman's Fortress of Solitude By Rick Stoeckel
Reading-Too-Much-Into-Things Comprehension By Geoff Haggerty
When Dakota Fanning Travels to Spain for a Junior Semester Abroad, She Will Take Full Advantage of the Experience By Sarah Walker
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