Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage.BY JACK PENDARVIS- - - - Oh say can you see? I'll say I can! The Cyclops gives a new meaning to "Old Glory" as he inspires the troops in a bellybutton-revealing replica of the stars and stripes. Thank you, People, for reminding us in these troubled times that there are still legendary monsters who let our brave boys in uniform know how a grateful nation feels. This Cyclops can keep his eye on me anytime! - - - - The photo of the Cyclops "whooping it up" on the back of a motorcycle is priceless! Thank you, People, for an image that is sure to become a cherished memory—at least on this reader's refrigerator! From now on I'll be keeping "one eye open" ... for the Cyclops, that is! - - - - It saddens me to read of the Cyclops "feeling blue." I guess longtime friend Sean Penn hit the nail on the head when he was quoted as saying that the Cyclops is "fragile." As fragile as a baby bird, I might add. But a whole lot sexier! Is it just me, or do I detect a cry for help behind that supposedly menacing one-eyed stare? It is almost as if the Cyclops were saying, "Hold me, understand me." Who has not felt such urges in these trying times? Penn goes on to say that the Cyclops can be "really funny" and then turn around and be "very shy." Who can understand such a bundle of complex contradictions? I, for one, would like to try. - - - - Add another color to those patriotic stripes of red, white, and blue—that's right, coppery green. For just such a becoming shade of green is the color of the Cyclops when he disguises himself as the Statue of Liberty and lets people take his picture for charitable purposes. Thank you, People magazine, for one in a series of remarkable profiles in courage. It is refreshing to find a cherished few who are not ashamed to drape themselves in the flag—literally! Hats off, Cyclops! Or should I say, "Crowns off"? "Eye" salute you! Yearning to breathe free, indeed. And a breath of fresh air he is. - - - - Sorry, ladies! The Cyclops is off the market. That's the message of your recent delightful article "The Cyclops Has an Eye on Marriage." On a more subdued note, surely who amongst us can begrudge the Cyclops the happiness he deserves after many personal tragedies? It saddens me, however, to note that his handsome young nephews may not attend the wedding. Surely they understand that some things are more important than riches and polo matches—and among those things are the simple joys of family. Here's hoping they "open their eyes" to love. - - - - Of all the celebrities you have ever profiled, perhaps the most intriguing is a one-eyed giant. I am referring, of course, to the Cyclops. One quibble: Why bury the Cyclops at the back of your magazine? With his rakish hat, smoldering scowl, and ever-present cigar (not to mention the sly twinkle in his large and intriguing eye), he can hold his own against a whole gaggle of Hollywood pretty boys any day of the week. And oh yeah ... he just happens to be the Cyclops! But that is a small complaint indeed given your excellent coverage of a "truly classic monster," as Cyclops fan Abe Plumpton so ably puts it in the article in question. Whether winning a Nobel Prize in literature, sipping his beloved Scotch, or watching his father die of syphilis, "Ol' One Eye" has always known how to handle even the toughest situation with grace and style. Perhaps in this time of national crisis, that remains the most important lesson of all. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage By Jack PendarvisEveryone Knows Jose By Jason Roeder Who's Got Lists? We Do Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Cases 35 & 36 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath Highlights of the 2004-2005 NHL Season By Christopher Monks |
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