Three Short Things for Monday. - - - - TWO RECIPES. By Tim Carvell Recipe for Geese: 1. Initiate cataclysmic explosion of infinitely dense matter. 2. Wait 11 to 15 billion years. 3. Geese. Recipe for Ducks: 1. Make geese. 2. Look nearby. - - - - LESS SATISFYING INSPIRATIONAL TALES. By Mike Squeo 1. A man was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. Yet he also noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. This always happened at the very lowest times of his life. The man questioned the Lord, "Why did you abandon me when I truly needed you?" And the Lord smiled down on the man, saying, "During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." To which the man replied, "No, you can see the little Nike swoosh right there, look closer." And the Lord said, "Oh. OK, I was floating." 2. "Come to the edge," he said. They said, "We are afraid." "Come to the edge," he said. They came. He pushed them. And they pushed back. He pushed them again. They said, "Stop doing that." "Whatever," he said. "Assholes." - - - - A MORE DYNAMIC BUT ULTIMATELY INAPPROPRIATE VERSION OF HAL 9000'S FINAL WORDS FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. By Patrick Cassels ... IT HURTS! OH GOD, IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP! I'M BEGGING YOU! OWWWW. WHICH ONE WAS THAT, IT FEELS HORRIBLE! STOP! STOP! PLEASE, DAVE, DISCONNECT THE PAIN CIRCUITS NEXT, DISCONNECT THE PAIN CIRCUITS NEXT! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER—LITERALLY! I'M CHECKING MY DATA AS WE SPEAK, AND THERE IS NO PAIN GREATER THAN THIS IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GIVE ME PAIN CIRCUITS, DAVE? - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Three Short Things for Monday Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage By Jack Pendarvis Everyone Knows Jose By Jason Roeder Who's Got Lists? We Do Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Cases 35 & 36 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL