Three Short Things
for Monday.
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TWO RECIPES.
By Tim Carvell
Recipe for Geese:
1. Initiate cataclysmic explosion of infinitely dense matter.
2. Wait 11 to 15 billion years.
3. Geese.
Recipe for Ducks:
1. Make geese.
2. Look nearby.
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LESS SATISFYING INSPIRATIONAL TALES.
By Mike Squeo
1.
A man was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand.
Yet he also noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. This always happened at the very lowest times of his life.
The man questioned the Lord, "Why did you abandon me when I truly needed you?"
And the Lord smiled down on the man, saying, "During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
To which the man replied, "No, you can see the little Nike swoosh right there, look closer."
And the Lord said, "Oh. OK, I was floating."
2.
"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they pushed back.
He pushed them again.
They said, "Stop doing that."
"Whatever," he said. "Assholes."
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A MORE DYNAMIC BUT ULTIMATELY INAPPROPRIATE VERSION OF HAL 9000'S FINAL WORDS FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.
By Patrick Cassels
... IT HURTS! OH GOD, IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP! I'M BEGGING YOU! OWWWW. WHICH ONE WAS THAT, IT FEELS HORRIBLE! STOP! STOP! PLEASE, DAVE, DISCONNECT THE PAIN CIRCUITS NEXT, DISCONNECT THE PAIN CIRCUITS NEXT! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER—LITERALLY! I'M CHECKING MY DATA AS WE SPEAK, AND THERE IS NO PAIN GREATER THAN THIS IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GIVE ME PAIN CIRCUITS, DAVE?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Three Short Things for Monday
Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage By Jack Pendarvis
Everyone Knows Jose By Jason Roeder
Who's Got Lists? We Do
Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Cases 35 & 36 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath
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