Commandments
the Almighty Decided to Drop in His Seventh Revision So As Not
to Overwhelm His
Chosen People.
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Thou shalt not lick thy lips whilst they are dry, else they shall dry even more. Really, they shall just get drier.
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Do not take thy Lord's name and useth it to promoteth personal-hygiene products.
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Thou shalt not strip off thy clothes at an oasis, dip thy hips below the surface, come out, sit in the sand before drying thy backside, then standing, else thou shalt have to wait for thy skin to dry before thou can brush it off, even after which thou shalt still have sparkly bits which will not come off nor stop sparkling until ye dip thy hips below the oasis surface again.
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Thou shalt not quip, nor for that matter perform any act which starteth with the letter "q," such as "quibble" or "quell" or "query," without a self-addressed stamped envelope.
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If at first thou doth not succeed, attempteth and attempteth again.
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Thou shalt not "know" thyself lest ye shall grow hair from thine palm or havest thy sight taken away.
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If some violation doth befall thy left eye, thou might perform a similar act on the left eye of thy persecutor, unless thy persecutor already hath borne some act on said eye, in which case thou may perform a similar act on said persecutor's right eye, unless the villain hath had both eyes smoten, in which case thou will be considered above reproach even if thou useth a chair which might be crafted to channel lightning or filleth a room with deadly vapors or injecteth the venom of a viper, to maketh sure said blind scumbag never poketh again.
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If thy neighbor canst keep from "knowing" another outside of wedlock or is forcibly "known" or for whatever reason decides they regret being in the "know," thou shalt not do or say a goddamn thing about their choice.
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If thou assumest, thou maketh an ass out of thou and the Lord thy God.
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If these tablets should dissolve over time into dust, the dust will be put in an ark which henceforth shall be referred to as Ark of the Covenant, to be protected by a wide variety of serpents. Should said ark fall into the hands of evil Nazis who are stupid enough to open it, archaeology-professor adventurers should closeth their eyes so they may survive and insure the ark be placed in a large warehouse where it will be lost in obscurity.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Commandments the Almighty Decided to Drop in His Seventh Revision So As Not to Overwhelm His Chosen People By Derek Breen
Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems With Paper By Dan Kennedy
Notes From a Blizzard Shut-In By Jason Roeder
You Can't Be a Little Bit Pregnant By Martin Bell
The Fabulous Friends: Conservative Christian Groups' Least-Favorite All-Star Cartoon By Teddy Wayne
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