Commandments the Almighty Decided to Drop in His Seventh Revision So As Not to Overwhelm His Chosen People. BY DEREK BREEN - - - - Thou shalt not lick thy lips whilst they are dry, else they shall dry even more. Really, they shall just get drier. - - - - Do not take thy Lord's name and useth it to promoteth personal-hygiene products. - - - - Thou shalt not strip off thy clothes at an oasis, dip thy hips below the surface, come out, sit in the sand before drying thy backside, then standing, else thou shalt have to wait for thy skin to dry before thou can brush it off, even after which thou shalt still have sparkly bits which will not come off nor stop sparkling until ye dip thy hips below the oasis surface again. - - - - Thou shalt not quip, nor for that matter perform any act which starteth with the letter "q," such as "quibble" or "quell" or "query," without a self-addressed stamped envelope. - - - - If at first thou doth not succeed, attempteth and attempteth again. - - - - Thou shalt not "know" thyself lest ye shall grow hair from thine palm or havest thy sight taken away. - - - - If some violation doth befall thy left eye, thou might perform a similar act on the left eye of thy persecutor, unless thy persecutor already hath borne some act on said eye, in which case thou may perform a similar act on said persecutor's right eye, unless the villain hath had both eyes smoten, in which case thou will be considered above reproach even if thou useth a chair which might be crafted to channel lightning or filleth a room with deadly vapors or injecteth the venom of a viper, to maketh sure said blind scumbag never poketh again. - - - - If thy neighbor canst keep from "knowing" another outside of wedlock or is forcibly "known" or for whatever reason decides they regret being in the "know," thou shalt not do or say a goddamn thing about their choice. - - - - If thou assumest, thou maketh an ass out of thou and the Lord thy God. - - - - If these tablets should dissolve over time into dust, the dust will be put in an ark which henceforth shall be referred to as Ark of the Covenant, to be protected by a wide variety of serpents. Should said ark fall into the hands of evil Nazis who are stupid enough to open it, archaeology-professor adventurers should closeth their eyes so they may survive and insure the ark be placed in a large warehouse where it will be lost in obscurity. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Commandments the Almighty Decided to Drop in His Seventh Revision So As Not to Overwhelm His Chosen People By Derek Breen Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems With Paper By Dan Kennedy Notes From a Blizzard Shut-In By Jason Roeder You Can't Be a Little Bit Pregnant By Martin Bell The Fabulous Friends: Conservative Christian Groups' Least-Favorite All-Star Cartoon By Teddy Wayne

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL