Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Case 37.BY JENNY TRAIG AND PETER MCGRATH- - - - Read more from - - - - Some time ago, Peter McGrath and Jenny Traig, cousins, left their jobs to become self-declared shut-ins. They quickly discovered that even the shut-in's life is full of many small mysteries. Inspired by the great tradition of housebound detectives, they resolved to become investigators themselves. More recently, they decided to fill the gaping hole of loneliness in their lives with the detective's classic companion, a cat. In no time at all they learned that these creatures can be sources of great mystery themselves. The following is a case from their feline files. - - - - #37: The Case of the Mass-Murdering Mouser One night the Shut-Ins were enjoying a quiet evening of forensic shows when Peter received a disturbing phone call. It was his sister Mona, reporting a gruesome scene. Her cat, Charlie, had committed another grisly murder—the 15th that month. "There were quite a number of parts," Peter related, "and they were ... arranged in a pattern. Now, we know that hunting is part of what makes Charlie Charlie, just as hoarding newspapers makes you you—" "—and gorging yourself on rice pudding and then spending all night clutching your stomach and whimpering makes you you—" "But the mystery remains: why is Charlie doing this, and how do we make her stop?" This was the first case where a life was actually on the line and the Shut-Ins raced into action. Jenny wanted to use some profiling techniques she had recently learned from A&E. "I'll enter everything into a database and compare it against ... certain other ... computer ... things—" "You have no idea how to proceed!" Peter sputtered. "There will be no 'databases.' I am going to get inside the mind of our killer, using a special tool I like to call my intuition." Peter then retreated to the room he'd taken to calling his crime lab, but which had, until that afternoon, been called his bedroom. There, he fell asleep watching Silence of the Lambs, and when he woke hours later he'd solved the mystery. "It's all Mona's fault for giving her girl cat a boy's name. Like Buffalo Bill, Charlie is suffering from a gender confusion that drives her to kill." "But that makes no sense. Also, I think it might be offensive." The Shut-Ins bickered over the matter until City Confidential came on. It was a good one, about a duplicitous widow. As her misdeeds unfolded, the cousins forgot their differences, and by the second commercial, they were feeling pretty good about themselves. "Ours is a noble profession, and even if we didn't save a life today, maybe we will tomorrow." Then, they toasted the possibility with a cup of hot bouillon, and because they were feeling generous, the cat got one too. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Case 37 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrathHow to Talk to Your Kids About Almost Anything By Wendy Molyneux Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon By Jim Stallard History's Notable Persons Reconsidered By Tim Carvell Crossing Over By Kevin Guilfoile |
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