I Have
March Madness.
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Day One
Not too many surprises today. The Alabama upset hurt me, as I had them staying in until the third round. Still, am somewhere in the middle of brother-in-law's tourney pool. Kansas doesn't play until tomorrow so am not emotionally invested yet. Had weird dream about government implanting chip in my brain when I dozed off during the Creighton game. Also, is it possible my cat is talking to me?
Day Two, Morning
NC State has a five-point lead over Charlotte as I write. Am afraid if Charlotte pulls it out, my whole Syracuse bracket will fall apart. My parents and brother-in-law are currently beating me handily in tourney pool. Cat definitely looking at me strangely. Is it possible cat is working for government?
Day Two, Evening
Kansas about to tip off. Cat told me earlier that they are going to go all the way. Also told me that I have to wear the same outfit until tournament is over. Am not sure whether to listen to cat or CIA agent talking inside my brain, who insists Illinois will take it all. Regardless, have got to hide the family of lions that appeared in my stairwell after work, especially because one of them looks a lot like Brad Pitt, and the last thing I need this weekend is a bunch of tabloid photographers hanging around while I'm trying to watch the games. The Brad Pitt lion said he'd like to discuss his theories about the JFK assassination with me later. I told him he has to wait until after KU game. Here comes the tip-off. Rock Chalk.
Day Three
Covered all windows in tinfoil as instructed by Michigan State Spartans center Paul Davis when he oozed out of the TV into my living room last night. Cat is jealous that Brad Pitt lion allowed to claw sofa, but find it hard to yell at handsome lion. Lions are rabid Arizona fans, but the cat is charmed by the underdog success of UAB and would like to see them keep rolling. This just in: JFK is alive. Has been living with Biggie Smalls and Mira Sorvino in a condo in Houston, but is coming back this afternoon and will need a place to stay. Am making nachos. Hope JFK likes nachos.
Day Six
Woke up to find Dick Cheney going through my chest of drawers with Coach K. Brad Pitt lion killed and ate them. Will this affect Duke's chances? Or is Redick just unstoppable? Cannot think about now, must make jalapeņo poppers for JFK, who has become, frankly, a fatty. Says he has a slow metabolism but I think maybe smoked too much pot with Biggie and became lazy. Paul Davis needs to ooze back into TV, but satellite dish not working since the CIA cut power to my apartment. Said was necessary so that foreign governments would not suspect I am hiding JFK in guest room. Am not concerned about missing upcoming games since they are being broadcast directly into my mind. Am concerned about my brother-in-law leading in pool.
Day Eight
How is my mom doing so well in pool? She does not even like basketball. Also, do lions like sandwiches?
Day 10
Have not been to work since last Friday, but am working full-time for government interviewing my cat about the cast of Happy Days, all of whom live in cat's belly.
Day 14
Realize I am actually in NCAA tournament. Change my tourney picks so that I beat Illinois in finals. Is it true that the Illinois players are all time-traveling rabbits? Regardless, will not let on that I know.
Day 19
Final game between my team (have put JFK, cat, lions, and Paul Davis on the squad) and the Illinois Time-Traveling Rabbits to be played tonight in my hall closet. JFK, despite his girth, worked the three consistently to beat Wake Forest, and I hope he can do it again if he isn't too high. Cat can't be counted on in the paint but good with strategy. Brad Pitt lion strong on defense. Am hoping giant talking jalapeņo popper can contain Dee Brown, but no matter what happens tonight I know my ragtag team of underdogs will be proud of just how far we've come. No team of time-traveling bunnies can take that away from us. Or can they? No. Yes. No. I'm a cupcake! A pretty, pretty cupcake!
Day 20
No memory of last 20 days. Someone has scratched "I heart Brad Pitt lion" into living-room wall. Lost tourney pool, job, 25 pounds, and boyfriend. All windows blacked out. I smell and I am covered in frosting. Am pretty sure this eviction notice is for me. In the midst of the burned-out landscape that used to be my life, I am left with one big question: What will KU do next year without Langford? Rock Chalk.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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I Have March Madness By Wendy Molyneux
Love Letters of a Closed-Caption Editor and a Telegram Operator By Jaime J. Weinman
The Lyrics to the Billy Joel Song "We Didn't Start the Fire" If They Were Written by a Muskrat Instead of by Billy Joel By David Litt
Fragments From Steroids! The Musical By Ben Greenman
Unused Audio Commentary by Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky, Recorded for the Return of the King (Platinum Series Extended Edition) DVD, Part One of Four By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell
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