- - - -
Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
- - - -
The Thrusting Ape Health and Fitness Club: Member Testimonials.BY TIM COFFIELD- - - - Angela, 19, student, microbiological sciences Me satisfied? Totally. I mean, look. Thrusting Ape is engorged with life. There's, like, 537.6 times more bacteria on one little weight bench than in all 189 of Fenway Park's urinals. Plus, you know how moisture churns out even more bacteria, even faster? And guess what's in those bottles of "Disinfector Liquid" sitting on the equipment? It's tap water. I mean, I know. I used to date, like, five of the trainers. So, yeah. Trust me on this. We've got a really big, dense, energetic crowd, here at Thrusting Ape. Chip, 27, legal secretary I'd have to say: yes. Here at Thrusting Ape, I'm wearing the pants. Big cotton zebra pants. See here? The ankles and waist are elastic, naturally. Whereas the actual pant legs are baggy. Billowing. That's Mother's word. The billowing style is what brings out my glutes. I think about those, my glutes, when I'm powering through an elliptical cardio session, jamming to acoustic Dashboard on the JVC in my fanny pack, and there's a woman behind me doing SlopeMaster. I think about my glutes then. Naturally. I mean, women: oh, man. Sheesh. Me? I'd like a woman with a visual spider web of abs. But sure, I'll negotiate. Look at me, man. Clearly I'm flexible. Mother tells me, "Keep that chin up!" "Set your bar high!" she says. And I do. With pull-ups, I excel. Tina, 33, Travel-Maid Actually, I'm new. Leighton slipped an all-inclusive membership in my bib this morning. To celebrate six years of me dusting his little office. All-inclusive is gym access, plus towels, plus BOSU yoga, plus unrestrained tanning. Because also? He bought me another G-string. Plus these little goggles, to wear tanning. He said my eyes, they are such a well-bred green, definitely worth protecting. He says, if he's going out into the world every day to hedge his ample corporate funds for the benefit of me, the least I could do is two hours twice daily on a NordicLoper. So. What can I say! I'll do anything to boost what I'm working with? But more like only seven minutes. Then it's (1) water, (2) strut around the free-weights area, (3) tan, (4) strut again, (5) shower. Then (6) cruise my candy-apple SLK350 (Xmas '04) back home, to celebrate five full years in my decked-out lakefront condo and the first and second birthdays of Lily and Chloe, my chiapoos, with my hulking but unemployed boyfriend, Oskar. Satisfied? I'm getting there. Zeke, 12, future Enloe High linebacker Well, Dad's got me on a new program. Olympic plyo-squats, power bounding, and overloaded hurdle jumps. And blocking drills with Zack. Also, he pawned the washing machine and got me the MyoMass-SlabGainer 6700 / IGF-8.1 Human Bulge Hormone nutritional-supplement package for my birthday. It's completely anabolic. And if I add significant mass to my hips by August, Dad says I can take his 12-gauge into my tree fort and light up the chipmunks. So check back this summer. If my body mass is up, we'll be happy. Zack, 26, door-to-door cutlery salesman; Satisfied? I mean, have you seen my trapeziuses? Jeff, 42, between jobs There's a question. Geez. Well, typically I'm fretting. Fretting about ... whatever. The usual. Work, politics, divorce. Moral decay. Rapid apocalyptic asteroids, divorce. When I fret, I come to Thrusting Ape. To do lat pulls, and to think clearly. And that's the problem. The more clearly I think about things, the more I fret about them. It's all very self-defeating. So: I avoid thinking. I focus on lat-pulling. Sometimes I sweat on the machine. I don't wipe it up. I mean, what's it matter? What's one person's sweat? In all this sweat? Rhonda, 92, substitute music teacher Mostly, my exercise regimen is me mulling over the equipment. Wondering, "Where is my Vernon? Is he really coming for me? And should I hoist that dumbbell? Two-point-five pounds is lighter than the man's feet: 2.687 pounds apiece, in the envelopes, at the post office. And, did Lucerne Fishrag, Swedish body rubbist, ever get those envelopes? How current was the address in Vernon's wallet?" The other half of the time, I relax. There was a time in my life when I was rather uptight. I'm past that now. I'm with the flow, as they say. I break wind during leg bends. I mount the SlopeMaster and brazenly ogle that man in the billowing zebra slacks. So, me? Yes, child. I'm quite happy, here at Thrusting Ape, with these nice people I've found. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Thrusting Ape Health and Fitness Club: Member Testimonials By Tim CoffieldSir Isaac Newton's Notes, Before the Discovery of Gravity By Jamie Allen Marvin Gaye Explains What He Heard Through the Grapevine By John Moe Lists for Today I Have March Madness By Wendy Molyneux |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.