An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him. BY KYLE SUNDBY - - - - Dude, I apologize for only now getting back to you. When first asked if I did, in fact, want a piece of you, I could muster no reply. Frankly, I was taken aback by your surprising offer. Never have I witnessed such an act of selfless generosity. Alas, my soul does not possess the same depth of compassion for my fellow man as does yours. While I do not always think of myself first, my welfare often holds a position among the front-runners. I treasure my pieces too deeply. I am, therefore, flattered and intrigued by your proposal. Are you truly willing to give me—someone who only met you moments before, when you bumped into me and my drink on your way to the table shared by you and your acquaintances—a piece of yourself? The tone of your voice and your posture at the time indicated your sincerity regarding the issue, but please, you must be sure. This is not something to be taken lightly and, I assure you, I regard it in all seriousness. Now, before I return to you my answer, I must ask if there is any piece in particular you wish to give. Surely, when you asked if I wanted a piece of you, you had specific parts in mind. I ask because I do not wish to take something that was not truly offered. Neither do I really wish to receive a piece that I may already possess. The portion that regulates your alcohol intake, for example, is similar to a part that already exists within me (though mine is certainly not nearly as worn from use). You do have some pieces that I do not. The multiple veins that pulsed and expanded throughout your neck are an example. The embarrassed girlfriend would be another. Additional details that I would like to work out involve location. When you suggested we take it outside, what was your intent? Would this facilitate my receiving your piece? I would appreciate some feedback on this issue, as well as on any other issues you feel have not been addressed. Your recommendation that I get some, as you insisted, depends on your prompt reply. Thanks, bro, Kyle Sundby - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him By Kyle Sundby If Only They Kept Diaries: Roadrunner By Jeff Steinbrink Vacations With Mother and Father By David Connerley Nahm Three Short Things for Monday Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage By Jack Pendarvis

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL