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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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Who's on First?BY CHRIS GAVALER- - - - (A CUSTOMER steps up to a video-store counter with a stack of videos.) CASHIER: Hi. Did you find everything you wanted? CUSTOMER: (Handing over membership card.) Yes, thanks. (Pause.) When is this one due back? CASHIER: The day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: Yeah, when's it due back? CASHIER: The day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: Yes. The Day After Tomorrow. CASHIER: Right. CUSTOMER: Right. When's it due back? CASHIER: The day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: I mean the movie. The Day After Tomorrow. When is it due? CASHIER: Oh! I get it. That's funny. You thought I meant—right, OK. It's due the day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow? CASHIER: Exactly. CUSTOMER: And Before Sunset? CASHIER: Anytime before 10. CUSTOMER: Is it the same as The Day After Tomorrow? CASHIER: We close the same time every day. Ten o'clock. CUSTOMER: But what day is the video due? CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow? CUSTOMER: Why are you asking me? CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: I know, but what about Before Sunset? CASHIER: Anytime before closing. CUSTOMER: But what day? CASHIER: The day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: Before Sunset? CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10. CUSTOMER: The movie! Before Sunset. When is Before Sunset due? CASHIER: Oh! We did it again, didn't we? Isn't that just like that ... what's that sketch called? Anyway. Sorry. Before Sunset is due the day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that the same for the others? CASHIER: You're not renting The Others. CUSTOMER: Why not? CASHIER: I don't know. You can if you want to. CUSTOMER: Well, I would like to rent the others, please. CASHIER: I'll check the computer. CUSTOMER: For what? CASHIER: The Others. CUSTOMER: What's in front of you? CASHIER: (Looking through stack.) Well, we have The Day After Tomorrow and Before Sunset. Then Seven, After Hours, 48 Hours, Ten, and Before Sunrise. Hey, that's funny, "before sunrise"—we could have gotten confused about that too, huh? CUSTOMER: Yeah. Could you ring them up, please? CASHIER: So you don't want The Others? CUSTOMER: I want all of them. CASHIER: But not The Others? CUSTOMER: I want everything sitting right there in front of you. CASHIER: OK, I'll ring them up. (Pause.) I'm sorry, but your account limits you to six rentals. CUSTOMER: Oh, OK, I won't rent Ten. CASHIER: Excuse me? CUSTOMER: Get rid of Ten. CASHIER: You have seven here. CUSTOMER: I still want to rent Seven. CASHIER: You're not allowed to. CUSTOMER: Why can't I rent Seven? CASHIER: Because it's over the limit. CUSTOMER: Right, but I want Seven. Get rid of Ten. CASHIER: (Pause.) That would leave negative three. CUSTOMER: Excuse me? CASHIER: You know what? We'll just let it slide this time. CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that one due back the day after tomorrow, too? CASHIER: Yes, you have 48 hours. CUSTOMER: But is it due with the others? CASHIER: You don't have The Others. CUSTOMER: What did you just ring up? CASHIER: You want me to read these to you again? CUSTOMER: No, just tell me when they're due. CASHIER: The day after tomorrow. CUSTOMER: But what about the others? CASHIER: You don't have The Others. CUSTOMER: Is 48 Hours due the day after tomorrow? CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock. CUSTOMER: Is Ten due the day after tomorrow? CASHIER: Yes, by 10 o'clock. CUSTOMER: What about After Hours? CASHIER: There's a late fee. CUSTOMER: For what? CASHIER: If you return after hours. CUSTOMER: The day after tomorrow? CASHIER: All of them. CUSTOMER: So it's due the day after tomorrow? CASHIER: By 10. CUSTOMER: What about Seven? CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10. CUSTOMER: The movie! The movie! When is the movie Seven due? CASHIER: (Holding up each video one at a time.) Seven is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. The Day After Tomorrow is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. Before Sunset is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. 48 Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. After Hours is due at 10 the day after tomorrow. And Ten is due at 10 the day after tomorrow CUSTOMER: Thank you! (Noticing the last video after a long pause.) But what about Before Sunrise? CASHIER: (Pause.) We're not open before sunrise. (CUSTOMER gives up and walks out.) - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Who's on First? By Chris GavalerAn Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him By Kyle Sundby If Only They Kept Diaries: Roadrunner By Jeff Steinbrink Vacations With Mother and Father By David Connerley Nahm Three Short Things for Monday |
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