EXCERPT FROM
THE NEUROTIC'S GUIDE
TO SHANGHAI.
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Chapter 18:
Restrooms Outside
Baggage Claim at Pudong International Airport (Men)
You're almost to Shanghai! Before you leave the airport, however, we recommend you use the restrooms located immediately outside the baggage-claim area on your right for carousels 5 through 8.
Having followed our tips in Chapter 15, you used the onboard facilities as sparingly as possible (no such thing as timely turbulence) and are most likely ready for a break.
Regardless of current necessity, it is a long taxi ride into town, an average of 58 minutes. Mechanical failure or collision, both of which are not uncommon, could cause further delay.
The men's restrooms outside the baggage-claim area are cleaned every two hours starting at 1 a.m., a procedure that lasts approximately 10 minutes. The best times to visit the restrooms, therefore, are 1:11 a.m., 3:11 a.m., 5:11 a.m., etc., throughout the day. Using the facilities at 12:59 a.m., 2:59 a.m., 4:59 a.m., etc., is not advised.
If you require a restroom at the time of cleaning, use the following phrase: "Qing ni xian zai zou. Wo jue de fei chang bu hao." (Please leave now. I am not feeling well.)
As you will notice on entering the restroom, there is no door. For urination we therefore recommend using the urinals at the opposite end of the bathroom from the entrance. These are located sufficiently far from the door to cut off the sightline from outside and preclude any mid-urination observation from passersby.
There being a predominance of open or nonexistent restroom doors in China, we suggest you adopt this routine unfailingly. Chinese are pathologically unafraid of public display when it comes to elimination issues. They will frequently urinate in public (see Chapter 41: "Puddle, Sidewalks of Sickness"). Within the confines of a restroom, you may also experience the unpleasant sight of a grown man defecating without first closing the stall door.
Which brings us to defecation. For maximum comfort and performance, we recommend using the third through fifth stalls from the entrance. The first two stalls are squat toilets, which can be quite troublesome for Westerners. Protecting your footwear and clothing during defecation into a squat toilet is difficult and potentially hazardous. Stalls three through five. We cannot stress this enough.
It is a good idea to travel with your own toilet-seat protection, such as the Mr. Toilet Protection Rings (available in mini-ring travel size). To avoid soakage, you should dry any fluid from the toilet seat thoroughly with a thick layer of toilet paper.
Once you have completed the necessary bodily functions, we recommend washing in the sink nearest the entrance. This lead soap dispenser is nearly always full and operational, while others appear to receive less attention. You'll find standard no-touch hand dryers to your immediate right. Paper towels are not offered.
You may, of course, wish to follow up with an application of your own antibacterial hand lotion for additional sanitary and moisturizing benefits.
Next:
Chapter 19: "Restrooms Outside Baggage Claim at Pudong International Airport (Women)"
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Excerpt From The Neurotic's Guide to Shanghai By J. Chris Rock
A Realistic Assessment of How Many 12-Year-Olds I Could Beat Up Before They Overtook Me By Matt Schweiger
Opening Day Genesis By Glenn Birkemeier
My Apartment: An Interpretive Dance in Three Parts By Pasha Malla
'80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines By Evany Thomas
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