If Only
They Kept Diaries:
Barbie.
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Read
If Only They Kept Diaries:
Roadrunner.
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april (i think)
still getting my balance. these heels don't help! loads of hot outfits. already tired of sucking in my gut. got to do something with this hair. everybody says wait till i meet ken.
april
if it's still april. heard i'm getting a corvette. hope it's better than this crappy beach house. not allowed to get a tattoo. thinking of becoming a stewardess. met ken. what a zero.
may
no smoking. no hanging out. no corvette. think my ass is getting big. can't be a stewardess, but go-go dancer or doctor are ok. go figure. ohmigod. g.i. joe. hot!
may
joe joe joe joe joe joe joe joe joe joe joe
may or june
what kind of name is midge? she's had work done. ken says she looks like a hooker. i say except in the doctor's outfit we all look like hookers. ken says not me, girlfriend.
june, for sure
had it with transformers. too confusing—now it's a spaceship, now it's a scissors, now it's a hammer. like going out with a hardware store. got the corvette finally. pink.
july
had muppets over to penthouse. big mistake—too much history with kermit. midge still "borrowing" my clothes. she gets to be a stewardess. i get a princess phone. pink.
august
read midge's diary. calls me "barfbie." big fight, hair everywhere, tears (hers). calls me "cabbage patch." i say, "you'll never work in malibu again." more tears.
august
ken says g.i. joe really likes midge and can we still be friends. i say midge = trash. ken says how about pinocchio. i say pinocchio = freak.
september
kermie kermie kermie kermie kermie
september
med school.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
If Only They Kept Diaries: Barbie By Jeff Steinbrink
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip By Justin Kahn
Your Best Guy Friend Is Me By Nick Confalone
Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life By Meredith Gray
Scenes From The Undead Big Chill By Ross Murray
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