Dispatches From Couples Therapy.BY WENDY MOLYNEUX AND JEFF DRAKE- - - - Session One DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ... JEFF: Um, listen more? DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow. WENDY: Yes? DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice. WENDY: Thank you. JEFF: Yeah, you look great. DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff. Session Two DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ... JEFF: Smile. DR. MANSFIELD: Try again. JEFF: Eyes? DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound) JEFF: Sense of humor. DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits. Session Three DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ... JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks? DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna cum laude from Stanford? JEFF: No, but I was just asking— DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list? JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn. DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank. JEFF: OK. DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ... JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute. DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ... JEFF: This is ridiculous. DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous. Session Four DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing. JEFF: Oh, no. DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin. JEFF: Wait, what am I? DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey. JEFF: Why am I a monkey? DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk? JEFF: Sorry. DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap. JEFF: No way. DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench? JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate. DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar. WENDY: That's OK. He's cute! DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants. JEFF: That's it. We're leaving. DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid fucking idiot. Session Five WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley— DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley. WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist. JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear. DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot. JEFF: Um, thanks? DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants? - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Dispatches From Couples Therapy By Wendy Molyneux and Jeff DrakeMedical Case Histories on Mount Olympus By Jim Stallard Three Lists Involving Musical Artists Thursday and Empire: or, How a Typical Workday Can Seem More Important When Modeled As a Great Era in Western Civilization By Vince LiCata An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap By Christopher Dazey |
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