Expert Help
for Your Fantasy
Baseball Franchise.
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BASEBALL KNOWLEDGE
WILL NOT HELP YOU
PICK UP GIRLS.
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For more expert help, click here.
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Can you believe this house? Two fully stocked bars and completely free alcohol! If David Wells lived here, he'd have 10 more perfect games! What's that? David Wells? He's a pitcher. Your boyfriend hates baseball? He must hate America, too.
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I would trade Albert Pujols and Vladimir Guerrero for a date with you. Why are you laughing? That's a combined 70 home runs a year!
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This promotion does mean a lot more responsibility for you. If people get out of line, you're going to have to discipline them now. And all of the decisions have to be OK'd by you. It's going to be stressful. Do you want a back massage? There. That's better, isn't it? Don't worry, it'll be OK. Trust me, I know from experience. How? I've been commissioner of my fantasy baseball league for the past three years. You know, it's awfully tough for me to give a good massage when you squirm away like that.
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No, no. You're not getting old. Hell, you're only 27. Think of it this way: Since turning 27, Roger Clemens has won 280 games! You have your whole life ahead of you. Please stop crying.
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You're rarer than a five-tool catcher. What? That's not gay slang for anything. I'm talking about my fantasy baseball rotisserie league. No. That's not a gay slang term, either.
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That sure was quite the make-out session. I've seen windows fog up in movies, but never in real life. Goodness! We really went at it, didn't we? I forget the last time I felt so revved up. Want to head inside? You do? Splendid! Oh, wait. Now I remember the last time I felt so turned on: When I was able to snag Mark Prior with a sixth-round draft pick. Yes, I'll take you home.
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If my heart were made of bases, you'd be Scott Podsednik.
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First, I must warn you about some weird red bumps you may encounter while down there. It's not an infection or an STD or anything like that; it's just a few ingrown hairs from a poorly done shaving job. I didn't really think anyone else would be seeing it. As hard as it is to believe, I'm not a big lady's man. Honestly. Let's just say my scoreless streak was hitting Dontrelle Willis proportions before I met you tonight. Wait. Why are you putting your pants back on? Are you restarting the striptease?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Baseball Knowledge Will Not Help You Pick Up Girls By Rick Paulas
Awkward Interloper of the Realm: Christmas Day With My New Girlfriend's Family As a Circa-1982 Text-Based Computer Adventure Game By Teddy Wayne
Lists, Here
The Facts of Winter
Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber By Patrick Cassels
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