M c S W E E N E Y ' S
A L L - A C C E S S
N B A P L A Y O F F S
C O V E R A G E .
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HOW THE MIAMI HEAT
HAVE FARED AGAINST
QUALITY TEAMS.
BY JOHN MOE
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For more NBA playoffs coverage, click here.
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2004-5 San Antonio Spurs
Heat lose 93-84 as Shaquille O'Neal scores 23 points and grabs 21 rebounds. Later in the season, Heat beat Spurs 96-92 with Dwyane Wade scoring 28.
2004-5 Detroit Pistons
Heat drop two out of three regular-season contests, as injury to O'Neal limits playing time. Wade records a triple-double in December 30 victory.
1996-97 Chicago Bulls
Wade plays tough defense against Michael Jordan, but it's not enough, as Jordan goes for 32. The Bulls get a solid contribution from Luc Longley, who shuts down the Heat's Udonis Haslem in the low post despite retiring from the NBA two years before Haslem's rookie season. Heat lose 103-90.
1971-72 Los Angeles Lakers
Both teams try to restrain laughter during pregame handshakes when they see each other's fashion and hairstyles. Heat's Keyon Dooling shrewdly tells both Jerry West and Elgin Baylor of their later careers as NBA general managers of varying success, thus blowing their minds and reducing their efficacy. Heat win 92-87.
1967 Green Bay Packers
Heat badly outnumbered at Lambeau Field and dangerously underdressed. Despite clear athleticism advantage, Heat players out of their element. O'Neal gets into the spirit before long, sacking Bart Starr and breaking Starr's collarbone. Wade designates himself quarterback and engineers a couple of decent drives, but a potential touchdown is thwarted by showboating guard Damon Jones. Lombardi refuses Heat coach Stan Van Gundy's challenge to meet again for basketball in Miami despite keen interest from Packer players. Heat lose 28-6.
1931 Yankees
Heat have the home-court advantage and dominate the befuddled Bronx Bombers, who, despite their formidable reputation, look lost and sweaty as they skitter about the Miami-arena floor in baggy uniforms, rattled by the pounding hip-hop music. Heat's Eddie Jones's attempt at trash-talking nearly leads to a fistfight between himself and dehydrated and disoriented Lou Gehrig, Lefty Gomez, and Tony Lazzeri. Reserve center Michael Doleac scores 15 in blowout. Heat win 143-8.
Manhattan Project
Heat overwhelm scientists in basketball phase of designated two-part competition. While Enrico Fermi manages to score 12 points, it is clear that Heat players are merely humoring the Italian physicist. Robert Oppenheimer, assigned to guard O'Neal, instead stands on sideline, smoking and pouting. In the nuclear-bomb-building portion of the competition, scientists are stunned at keen acumen of forward Rasual Butler and his mastery of nuclear fission. Series splits with Heat winning 160-18 in basketball, Manhattan Project winning 14-1 in bombs.
Spanish Inquisition
Torquemada and cohorts cite numerous transgressions of Heat players despite the absence of any Jews on Heat roster. But they lack the conditioning to successfully apprehend Heat personnel for trials and torture. Instead, Heat players elbow, shove, kick, and generally abuse brittle inquisitors, who, bloodied and cowed, attempt to flee. In a final indignity, they are chased away by crazed pit bulls owned by midseason signing Qyntel Woods. Christian Laettner, erroneously believed to be a Dutch cleric, is never persecuted.
Vikings
Longships storm onto South Beach, catching local residents completely unprepared, as warriors proceed to loot, pillage, and plunder fashionable neighborhood. Police fail to stop them, and, with all extant National Guard troops deployed overseas, Miami Heat are called to battle. O'Neal and Wade lead their troops into the fracas, braving spears, swords, and battle-axes. During a week of fighting, Heat players kill most of the marauders, with a few fleeing in stolen speedboats. Shandon Anderson, Eddie Jones, Wang Zhizhi, Udonis Haslem, and Steve Smith are all killed.
Greek Gods
Wade makes the most of huge speed advantage over plodding Hephaestus, god of metallurgy. Aphrodite woos the easily distracted Damon Jones. Much-anticipated Shaq-Zeus showdown lives up to the hype as the two battle to a draw. Zeus gives birth to full-fledged offspring through his head in order to block Shaq's shot but is called for goaltending. Dionysus and Eddie Jones strike up close friendship. Gods' game suffers from infighting and fits of pique, but Heat can't connect on outside shooting and lose 84-77.
Big Bang
Heat have a hard time recovering from initial blast in opening fractions of a second, which limits their effectiveness in the matchup of O'Neal and Wade against matter and antimatter. Due to injury, Christian Laettner is pressed into service against both protons and neutrons, whose double-teaming is too much for the former Duke forward to handle. Epoch of nucleosynthesis, occurring three minutes after initial big bang, is cool enough for nuclear activity to cease, better matching the Heat's half-court game, but universe's 75-percent-hydrogen composition make it hard for Heat to run set plays. Heat lose 300,000-6.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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How the Miami Heat Have Fared Against Quality Teams By John Moe
Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles By Kevin Shay
Reviews of DVDs That May or May Not Be Pirated but Were Definitely Bought on the Street in Shanghai for About a Dollar By J. Chris Rock and John Leary
Baseball Knowledge Will Not Help You Pick Up Girls By Rick Paulas
Awkward Interloper of the Realm: Christmas Day With My New Girlfriend's Family As a Circa-1982 Text-Based Computer Adventure Game By Teddy Wayne
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